Changes

Every time I turn around something or someone in my life is changing. The universe seems to want me to run along behind my life picking up the pieces of change and reassembling it to make my new life. It would be helpful if the universe would provide me with a picture of what the end result is supposed to look like. A blueprint. A hint. Anything.

My job. I am being ridiculous. Pathetic even. I miss my job. I miss working for my boss. I was comfortable there. I ran around like crazy, I was NEEDED and appreciated. Things changed and I was moved around. It was out of my control. But I’ve never missed a job like this before.

My friend. You know who you are. You are moving on. I wish, my friend, you could have done it in another way and left behind a trail of happy memories instead of the bad ones you ended it with. Even still, I feel a loss, not bitterness. I will, and do, miss you my friend.

My daughter. That incredible creature. The wind blew her in my direction for almost the entire month of December. I was mom again. The only role I really know (and want). She has moved on again and happy. Good for her.

Dating. While I was looking the other way and getting some much needed 'me' time I neglected my dating life. I got to know two people, one in particular (*sigh*) … these two amazing women ended up finding each other. Ouch. That one smarted a little. But good for you both. When two people find each other it is a good thing. =) But sheesh - EACH OTHER! =) Double ouch. I feel a small sense of loss in this.

Meeting new people. I have been lucky enough through volunteering, changes in the job to be meeting new people. This has been good for me. New people doing different things. New people with different outlooks and perspectives on life. New friends are great, a gift, but cannot replace the old ones.

Not one of these events are significant enough to make me want to hide under the covers … but slowly over tim and putting them together I feel odd, out of sorts and blue. With all this change I am having a hard time separating the real losses from the annoying little scrapes of regular life. I am almost feeling fragile. I can hear the laughter of those who know me right now... but there it is. That is how I feel. Like if I just stay away from people until my old scrapes heal...

Ah. Maybe I just need a new purpose? God, maybe I never had a purpose to begin with? Will the extra volunteering I'm doing this year give me a sense of purpose????

WHAT I REALLY NEED is a little control over the steering wheel. Or at least the illusion of it.

Possible? Dunno. Hopefully. =)