... please be quiet continued ...

On Sunday morning, bright and early, Chico showed up at my mom's house to take me home. Knowing me as he does - knowing what would make me feel peaceful - knowing what I would need - on the way home we visited the ocean.

Here are the pictures taken that day at Belcarra Park.

I find myself back home, shutting myself in again.

This is doing me no good.

My mom is coming to get me again tomorrow. Thanks mom.

please just be quiet ...

First of all. Thank you Mom, Keith (my stepfather) and Chico. I know truly that I am loved.

Second. It is the anniversary of September 11. This reminds me that there are people in this world going through horrible, devastating events in their lives. I feel for them. I remember that day vividly. I am so very sorry for those families touched by this unbelievable event.

***

If you have been reading for the last month or so you know that I have been at home, off work, seeing a counsellor once a week, and working through what I can only describe as some sort of breakdown. This is hard for me to write about. But I need to write.

I am not myself. I am not the strong woman most of you know (knew?). I do not want to leave the house, I have my phone off and am not answering emails. I do not want to talk. If you are talking softly to me or around me, I am listening though.

Other than going to the doctor or the counsellor I have not left the house much. On some level I recognize that hermitting myself is probably making things worse, but I cannot seem to help myself. When I am at home alone, the thought of seeing people, having to interract, talk, socialize or be around the loudness that is our city makes me anxious.

I discussed this with my counsellor we felt that some exercise and fresh air might help. I asked Chico to take me on a hike. On September 2 we ended up at Lynn Canyon with a backpack filled with healthy food and a plan to take some pictures and sweat a little.

We get there and the parking lot is full. I am in the passenger seat wanting to beg him to turn around, I do not want to see all these people. There are mothers yelling at their children, children screeching, and the loud voices of males trying to get some attention from nearby females.

"It's ok, Kell, lets go."

We get out of the car, open the trunk, get the camera and backpack and make our way up to the up to the little suspension bridge. The people around us are so loud. I can sense Chico watching me. I recognize that he is trying to understand how hard this is for me and how much the noise is bothering me.

We make our way across the bridge and start on the trail. It is beautiful here.

... If everyone would just shhh ... why the need for loud voices? Would it really be so terrible to be silent for a few minutes and take in the beauty of our world?

We hit the trail, work up a bit of a sweat. As we head back down Chico suggests going off the trail, down below where there are no tourists. Brilliant! Here I found the silence and beauty I was looking for. We ate lunch and took pictures.

It was paradise and exactly what I was looking for. Thank you Chico.

***

Later in the week, after spending a few days at home alone avoiding people I asked my mom to come with me to my Dr. appt on Friday. I wanted to be alone, I did not want to see people but knew if I made a plan with my mom she would get me out and about.

By Thursday, I hit a new low, a low that I do not feel comfortable describing here. I was feeling not right. I emailed my mom and asked her to take me home with her after the Dr. appointment on Friday.

My mom did not hesitate. She came to the house Friday morning, saw me struggling to pack a bag, and listened as I spilled everything that was going on in my head to her. I had a good cry. My mom is not used to this, I have generally been self-sufficient as an adult and do not 'run' home everytime something happens to me. My mom was amazing. She listened. She was supportive and positive and non-judgmental. She helped me pack. She went to the Dr. with me and took me home with her. It was exactly what I needed. Her home is beautiful and quiet. She had a room downstairs for me to use with its own t.v., bathroom, and quiet space.

Also at my mom's is my little baby Lady:

Lady did not leave my side the entire weekend. She slept downstairs with me. She followed me everywhere. When I woke up for two hours at 3 a.m., she woke with me and put her head on my arm while I read. She would get up early, jump off the bed, run upstairs and wake up Keith to go for her morning walk. The minute she came back in the door and the leash was off, she would run back downstairs and hop back in bed with me.

I miss her now. I wish I could have my own dog where I am, I think it would do wonders for me. I think it is exactly what I need. She was just there. All the time. Silent and loving. Can you please get me my own baby to have at home?

The weekend was peaceful. My mom said my sister was worried about me and had her and my stepbrother for dinner on Friday night. While barbecuing my mom and sister and I sat on her balcony, flanked by the forest in the back, talking quietly. In the evening, Mom and I would sit in the den and watch the news. Keith would bring her a glass a wine, me a waterbottle and he would make us a snack of Breton crackers with cream cheese and red pepper jelly. We just sat together and watched the news. It was nice to be with people but to be able to just sit in silence if I wanted to.

On Sunday morning Chico came early in the morning to get me but I will try and write about that tomorrow. I also have some pictures to share.

Thank you again Mom and Keith. I am at home now and know that I will be heading back there soon.

today

Today I need to be kind.

I need to be kind to myself.

I need to tell myself that my mistakes are ok. That I have learned from them. I need to explain to myself that I have done the best that I can with all that I have been given in all of the circumstances that have been handed to me. I need to forgive myself for letting myself and others down in those moments when I have not been as good or as kind or as proactive as I needed to be.

I need to forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do all of the time. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing what to do when someone else was counting on me. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do when someone else really needed me to know for sure what I was doing and make proper decisions. I need to forgive myself for not being brave when I needed to be brave. I need to forgive myself for not standing strong and firm in my beliefs.

I need to turn the kindness and empathy I feel for others on myself. I need to use the forgiveness I have had and do have for others - on myself. I would have long ago forgiven others in my life for these mistakes, wrong paths and shortcomings, why have I not forgiven myself?

I need to take it easy on my soul. I need to listen to the good things that people say to me and about me. I need to listen to those things and absorb them into my heart.

I need to go forward and trust my instincts. I need to go forward and trust that my instincts are leading me in the right direction. I need to trust that what I know and what I have learned in life will lead me to make the right decisions for me and for you. You are counting on me and I need to trust that I can do what needs to be done, and that I have taught you enough to know that you can do for yourself what needs to be done.

I need to trust myself to say no. I need to say it more often and know that I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to understand that it is ok to say no. Whenever, to whatever and whomever I need to say it to. I need to practice saying no. I need to learn not to do things for the wrong reasons. I need to learn that maybe in the moment things may feel right or ok, that a decision may feel right or ok in the moment ... but down the road, will this decision affect me, hurt me, harm me in some way?

I need to learn to love me as much as I love the people in my life. I need to respect me like I respect my loved ones.

I need to go outside and put my face in the sunshine and smile from the inside out.

If not today,

then tomorrow?

and the award goes to my mom and my best friend ...

Words any girl is happy to hear and lucky enough to receive from her mom:

Please know that I am here and would be there on a moments notice.

Love you Mom

Simple, to the point, appreciated and noted.

Thanks mom

*******************************

An email exchange:

Re: I stink

I guess I had better clean up before you get here. I have been lazy on my couch for days, I cannot remember when I last washed my hair.

Brilliant response:

Re: Re: I stink

I won't care ... you once threw up on my feet, did not phase me a bit ...


Now that is the love of a best friend. Almost, just almost enough, to tear me away from the blog reading, soap operas, Ellen and self pity party and go upstairs and use some soap and maybe shampoo. Toothpaste would probably be a good idea too.

Almost

random thoughts on nothing today

mean people suck

I used to have this bumper sticker on my car. The last vehicle I owned actually - I dont drive anymore. I had a great little Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. It was fire engine red. I loved it. It looked just like this:



My daughter and I used to get bundled up in the middle of winter, grab some hot chocolate, throw a blanket over our laps, turn up the music, crank the heat on our feet and just DRIVE. *sigh* feeling a little nostalgic at the moment...give me a second ...

Ok, so:

mean people suck ...

... when I see this corny little statement on someone's backpack, car, tshirt I feel hope for us silly humans.

What exactly is being mean? Cruel?

Cruel - dictionary dot com says:
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.

I think we have all touched "meaness" or "cruelty" whether it be on the receiving end or the giving end. I think, and hope that most people do not intend to be mean. It seems to me that cruelty and selfishness go hand in hand. They seem to in many instances anyways...

selfishness dictionary dot com says:
1. devoted to or caring for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

We are all selfish sometimes. It is human nature. I suppose sometimes you have to be a little selfish to get you through this life. But I think the ignorant ‘me-first’ attitude of narrow self-interest, pretending that no one gets hurt by your words and actions is a dangerous way to live.

Hm, seems to be all I have to say on the subject. I don’t know where I was going with this…

... I guess I just want to thank people in my life for being selfless rather than selfish and for being caring rather than cruel and for being there throughout my life.

I hope you feel you get that in return.

You deserve it.

Ha. And you thought I was going somewhere else with this, didn't you??

on being substantial

sub·stan·tial –adjective
1. of ample or considerable amount, quantity, size, etc.: a substantial sum of money.
2. of a corporeal or material nature; tangible; real.
3. of solid character or quality; firm, stout, or strong: a substantial physique.
4. basic or essential; fundamental: two stories in substantial agreement.
5. wealthy or influential: one of the substantial men of the town.
6. of real worth, value, or effect: substantial reasons.
7. pertaining to the substance, matter, or material of a thing.
8. of or pertaining to the essence of a thing; essential, material, or important.
9. being a substance; having independent existence.
10. Philosophy. pertaining to or of the nature of substance rather than an accident or attribute.
–noun
something substantial.
—Synonyms: stable, sound, On being substantial
sub·stan·tial –adjective

Am hurting a little today. Something happened to make me feel like I am failing somewhere, somehow at who I want to be. I suddenly feel like I do not possess the qualities I need to hold onto what is or who is important to me. Can this be true?

At the end of it all. When my ashes are being scattered across the ocean I want to be remembered for being a substantial human being.
Someone with layers.
I want to be remembered for doing good in the world.
I want to make a difference.
I want to have possessed positive qualities amongst my flaws ... I want to do things for people that matter.
Outer beauty is fleeting (how cliché is that?) and at the end of the day does not mean anything. Physical beauty’s only purpose (that I can see) is to initially attract potential partners… if there is nothing else behind the skin, the eyes, the hair and clothes then there is not much else to hold onto. I have something else there really... please just look.

I hope the words ‘kind’, ‘loving’, ‘giving’, ‘caring’ would be words that come off your lips once I am gone.

And I hope I was loved ...

... kissing ...

Could you please put your hand on the back of my neck ...
pull me around and close to your face ...
close enough to smell your peppermint gum ...
long enough to look into your kind eyes ...
and to remember just how long it has been since you really kissed me ...

on happiness

I read an article in the Globe today called 'Are you Happy?'.

Well readers - are you?

When asked, the answer to that question for me is a genuine yes.

I like my life. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful daughter, incredible lifelong friendships, amazing new friends, a job that challenges me, and I am fairly sure I am a good human being (as I've said before - flawed, severly flawed) but a desire to be good, better ...

... indeed I have all the necessary items to be able to say that I am genuinely happy.

Does this mean that I do not have hurt in my life? Of course I do. I have anxiety and stress. I have longings that go unfulfilled. I have days where I am unsure of myself and my place in the world. Some days I do not know my purpose and if I should even have one other than enjoying my life.

And there is pain, plenty of it. These things, I am told, are a part of life.

Something I've learned along the way is that it is the moments, the single snapshots of your day/life that add up to make it a good life. My mom is a great proponent of doing what you need to do in the moment to make yourself happy.

Looking back on those crazy moments when I feel insane with hurt or am so stressed I cannot see a way out and I dont know what to do I recognize that I have the power in those moments to say to myself "What do I need right NOW to make me happy in this moment" and to take the results of that question and proactively seek out that happiness. When I dont do that for myself, I have nobody to blame but myself.

It is hard mantra to follow in certain [most? some? =))]situations and I fail miserably sometimes [often, always, never, sometimes =)))] (nice try Kel, more like OFTEN!) ... But I do recognize that I have the power in my own hands to be happy, to enjoy my life and to be in charge of making the choice to be happy. It is just that, a decision.

One of the lines in the article reads (and hits home with me):

"The state of the world is often annoying. But maybe you've been too busy channelling positive energy to notice. Freud certainly wasn't. The father of modern psychology thought that humans weren't meant to feel consistently happy, since "all the regulations of the universe run counter to it." And yet somewhere along the line we forgot Freud and embraced Tony Robbins."

it goes on to say:

"The problem with the culture of incessant happiness is that it's one of the things that drives social dissatisfaction, you're asked to take yourself as a constant self-improvement, and frankly this never ending quest is exhausting."

I'd be interested to 'hear' your opinions on this subject. Those two paragraphs hit home, then they didn't then I went back around again. Doesn't matter. What do you think??

dont take anyone or anything for granted ... unless you are comfortable with regrets

I cannot take credit for this one ... but read it on a card and loved it. Thought I'd share:

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration.

Like a humingbird, we aspire to hover and savour each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everday.

The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that

life is rich,

beauty is everywhere,

every personal connection has meaning;

and that laugher is life's sweetest creation.

Do not take the beauty of what is in front of you for granted.

people who care and stupid cab company and stupid transit ...

Thank you for surprise visiting me last night! I know you had your own work things going on. Thank you for coming over anyways. Thank you for asking about the latest Megan worries and thank you for not wincing when I asked you to look at the back of my throat with my sick breath. You are a superstar!

And You. You know who you are. I am going to be feeling better for dinner tonite. I just know it! Thank you for texting me in the middle of your family visit to ask how I'm doing! Very nice.

And thank you to all the anonymous people that played my Secret Game yesterday! I love your secrets, I even stuck one in there too - anonymously of course!

I hope I get some more secrets! Keep writing - PLEASE!

This morning is rainy and gross and guess where my umbrella was hanging out?

Under my desk!

Of course, where else should it be on a rainy Wednesday morning?

Decided to treat my sick self to a cab to work. I phoned at 8:10. They said it would be kind of a wait but that the cab would call when it arrived. It is now 9:42, still haven't received the call that the cab is in front of my house. Good thing I walked in the rain to the bus stop to catch a bus that took FOREVER to get there. People on the bus hated me. I coughed all over them. Well, not all over them exactly. I am polite and covered my mouth, but I still got the looks... =)

Can you tell me this? Why is it there were four buses going against rush hour up Cambie to every one bus that came down Cambie into town? Hm? Make any sense to you? Didnt think so.

Ok, gotta get all the ketchup out of my keyboard. Dont ask.

they make me happy enough to dance on the cambie street bridge ...

Chico bought me these ...

you can say it. I'm spoiled.

I love them. I really really really love them.

I feel pretty and happy and did I say pretty(?) in them ...

I even named them! =))))))

on kindness

The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates.

After the first gate, we ask ourselves,
"Are these words true?"

If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go.

At the second gate, we ask,
"Are they necessary?

At the last gate, we ask,
"Are they kind?"

gratitude for my friend

thank you chico

thank you for knowing me as well as you do and loving me anyways...

thank you for your text last night ... just knowing you care makes it all simmer down ...

may you get back ten thousand times as much love in your life as you give out.

mwuah.

.... and may you get ten thousand spankings for that devious, very male side of you... the good kind of spankings! =)))))

honesty and integrity

******edit/addition******* Please tell me what you think in the comments... I am genuinely curious ...
_______________________________________________________

See Chico's comments on the movie here (very bad boy): http://helmetwearingwindowlicker.blogspot.com/2007/03/political-correctness-can-bite-my-ass.html
_______________________________________________________

nurture vs. nature

as in ...

for me: is it my nature to be 'sensitive' ... 'sensitive' in the good way and/or overly 'sensitive' in the bad way ...

or good deeds/bad deeds?

My question of the day:

Is one born good (or bad) as the case may be?

This question stems from watching Blood Diamond last night.

I watched just over half of it. My heart was pounding so fast and the tears were threatening to break away and I just wasn't enjoying it. I am sensitive. Dammit. It kills me to think of the atrocities that human beings inflict on one another and it amazes me to see what one can live through, survive, pull themselves and their families through and move forward and live in the face of events that one would not want to live through. It shames me to think of the things I claim to not be able to handle in my own life. Do any of us know know real tragedy, pain or loss? In the truest sense?

My point/question stems from this scenario in the movie:

Leonardo's character: "Just tell them you are the cameraman and they will let you on the plane."

Djimon Housoun's character: "I cannot."

L: "Why"

D: "Because I am not a cameraman."

Simple. He cannot say it because it is a lie. It doesn't matter that it was for all the right reasons, for the greater good... he ends up doing it but is genuinely confounded by the idea of the simple lie.

Was this man and others like him born this way? Was this honest way of living created through his belief system, the way he was brought up or incidents in his life that made him choose to be good???

In quite the opposite scenario does someone who does the wrong thing choose wrong or is it as simple as it being in your nature to act one way or another? Are the good ones, just choosing to be good and therefore their instincts, or the first thoughts in their minds not naturally leaning in the right direction?? Do they do good because they choose too?

I really wish I hadn't started thinking about this... too many questions. Lets just go back to the Victoria's Secret supermodels instead! =)

A New Year

My journey so far has been filled with my face in the sunshine, smiling like crazy with my feet in the air leaping for joy, my knees and tears on the ground begging for help, and everything in between. My resolve this year:

Today, I may not be able to end all the suffering going on in the world, but today I can treat others better than I did yesterday. It is a start.

Be Kind....Pass It On.

being NICE vs. being a WITCH

I keep finding myself in situations that test my niceness. It is proving to be a major flaw in my personality.

Does being 'nice' translate to other people as being vulnerable and gullible, therefore leaving myself open to all sorts of injustices and absurdities???

What makes this absolutely insufferable is how I often I think about whether or not I am being nice. As much as I may want to hang on to my pleasant persona and identity, so that I’m considered friendly and charming — IS IT WORTH IT? And can it be done keeping my pride in tact?

I read a quote or something somewhere recently that said that although it may be hard to live with the fact that one is a "witch", in the long run it saves you a lot of headache. I am feeling quite tempted to walk in these witchy footsteps and see what happens.

I just felt the prickle down my back alerting me to the peals of laughter from a few who know me and know that my personality wont allow for this change and that I'm all talk.... that makes me want to try it out all the more... =)