animal therapy

As you know I am spending some time out at my mom and stepfather's place again this weekend. When I came home from there last weekend I spent far too many days at home hermitting myself again.

Mom had an idea for the perfect quiet, peaceful outing for today.

My mom picked up my sister and we drove out to my Auntie Carole and Uncle Ellis' house in Abbotsford. My mom and sister chatted in the front seat on the drive and I sat in the back and read a little and looked at the scenery.

These are some pics of the paradise Carole and Ellis call 'home' ... and some pics of their very special 'animal family'.

View from the front door:

This one of their many kitty cats :

Auntie Carole's horse CeeCee:

This is Oreo. Poor little Oreo is sick and not long for this world but oh,
so very loving. Are these not the kindest eyes?: The backyard ... a beautiful little private lake:
One of the many gorgeous flowers on the property:Another one of CeeCee:And yes, that is me on CeeCee below.

I would show you more pictures of CeeCee (I took about fifty of them!) but the remainder of the pictures have my aunt, sister or mom in them and my family is a little shy ... so I am going to respect that and not post their pics on here.

Anyways, after spending the day with my family and after a cuddle with one of the cats, some love from the dogs, a little ride on the horse and some really nice time with my wonderful Aunt, I am feeling a little better today.

Good idea mom. Thank you for suggesting it and thanks Mandy (my sis) for coming along. One last thank you to my Auntie Carole for the ride, sharing the love of your animals, your knowledge and positive nature.

I love you all to pieces.

... please be quiet continued ...

On Sunday morning, bright and early, Chico showed up at my mom's house to take me home. Knowing me as he does - knowing what would make me feel peaceful - knowing what I would need - on the way home we visited the ocean.

Here are the pictures taken that day at Belcarra Park.

I find myself back home, shutting myself in again.

This is doing me no good.

My mom is coming to get me again tomorrow. Thanks mom.

please just be quiet ...

First of all. Thank you Mom, Keith (my stepfather) and Chico. I know truly that I am loved.

Second. It is the anniversary of September 11. This reminds me that there are people in this world going through horrible, devastating events in their lives. I feel for them. I remember that day vividly. I am so very sorry for those families touched by this unbelievable event.

***

If you have been reading for the last month or so you know that I have been at home, off work, seeing a counsellor once a week, and working through what I can only describe as some sort of breakdown. This is hard for me to write about. But I need to write.

I am not myself. I am not the strong woman most of you know (knew?). I do not want to leave the house, I have my phone off and am not answering emails. I do not want to talk. If you are talking softly to me or around me, I am listening though.

Other than going to the doctor or the counsellor I have not left the house much. On some level I recognize that hermitting myself is probably making things worse, but I cannot seem to help myself. When I am at home alone, the thought of seeing people, having to interract, talk, socialize or be around the loudness that is our city makes me anxious.

I discussed this with my counsellor we felt that some exercise and fresh air might help. I asked Chico to take me on a hike. On September 2 we ended up at Lynn Canyon with a backpack filled with healthy food and a plan to take some pictures and sweat a little.

We get there and the parking lot is full. I am in the passenger seat wanting to beg him to turn around, I do not want to see all these people. There are mothers yelling at their children, children screeching, and the loud voices of males trying to get some attention from nearby females.

"It's ok, Kell, lets go."

We get out of the car, open the trunk, get the camera and backpack and make our way up to the up to the little suspension bridge. The people around us are so loud. I can sense Chico watching me. I recognize that he is trying to understand how hard this is for me and how much the noise is bothering me.

We make our way across the bridge and start on the trail. It is beautiful here.

... If everyone would just shhh ... why the need for loud voices? Would it really be so terrible to be silent for a few minutes and take in the beauty of our world?

We hit the trail, work up a bit of a sweat. As we head back down Chico suggests going off the trail, down below where there are no tourists. Brilliant! Here I found the silence and beauty I was looking for. We ate lunch and took pictures.

It was paradise and exactly what I was looking for. Thank you Chico.

***

Later in the week, after spending a few days at home alone avoiding people I asked my mom to come with me to my Dr. appt on Friday. I wanted to be alone, I did not want to see people but knew if I made a plan with my mom she would get me out and about.

By Thursday, I hit a new low, a low that I do not feel comfortable describing here. I was feeling not right. I emailed my mom and asked her to take me home with her after the Dr. appointment on Friday.

My mom did not hesitate. She came to the house Friday morning, saw me struggling to pack a bag, and listened as I spilled everything that was going on in my head to her. I had a good cry. My mom is not used to this, I have generally been self-sufficient as an adult and do not 'run' home everytime something happens to me. My mom was amazing. She listened. She was supportive and positive and non-judgmental. She helped me pack. She went to the Dr. with me and took me home with her. It was exactly what I needed. Her home is beautiful and quiet. She had a room downstairs for me to use with its own t.v., bathroom, and quiet space.

Also at my mom's is my little baby Lady:

Lady did not leave my side the entire weekend. She slept downstairs with me. She followed me everywhere. When I woke up for two hours at 3 a.m., she woke with me and put her head on my arm while I read. She would get up early, jump off the bed, run upstairs and wake up Keith to go for her morning walk. The minute she came back in the door and the leash was off, she would run back downstairs and hop back in bed with me.

I miss her now. I wish I could have my own dog where I am, I think it would do wonders for me. I think it is exactly what I need. She was just there. All the time. Silent and loving. Can you please get me my own baby to have at home?

The weekend was peaceful. My mom said my sister was worried about me and had her and my stepbrother for dinner on Friday night. While barbecuing my mom and sister and I sat on her balcony, flanked by the forest in the back, talking quietly. In the evening, Mom and I would sit in the den and watch the news. Keith would bring her a glass a wine, me a waterbottle and he would make us a snack of Breton crackers with cream cheese and red pepper jelly. We just sat together and watched the news. It was nice to be with people but to be able to just sit in silence if I wanted to.

On Sunday morning Chico came early in the morning to get me but I will try and write about that tomorrow. I also have some pictures to share.

Thank you again Mom and Keith. I am at home now and know that I will be heading back there soon.

counselling .2

I had another counselling appointment today.

I worked really hard. Talked about some tough things. I tried to be logical. I really tried to look at things with a methodical brain instead of a sensitive brain. I am tired. I am going to close my eyes and wish myself off to Fantasy Island for awhile. So if anyone is looking for me, this is where I will be:

hermit

I am still living the life of a hermit. That is just the way it is right now. My friends have been trying to contact me but I am still feeling like I want to be alone. I have a lot of thinking to do. I dont know why letting everyone back in is so hard right now. I hope it changes soon. Because of this I have not gone far but this weekend was my baby sister's 30th birthday and my mom had a party for her. There were a few old family friends that I do not get to see often so Chico drove me out there to give my sister a gift and to visit for a couple of hours. It was nice to be around familiar people who have loved us for a lifetime. People with their own stories that I can just sit and listen to. Other than that, I haven't gone far. Been on the couch watching the last of the Rome disks. Its done. What series is next? Any ideas blogging friends?

Unfortunately with being at home I do not have anything interesting to blog about, but I do have something to share with you - My daughter Megan recently did a modelling shoot for a hairdressing salon. Here is one of the photos. She is to the right of her (boy)friend Jordan.

I think they are beautiful.

a feast, a new hbo series, insomnia, water ponds, my nest and some pictures

My goal today: to make an effort to make this post a little lighter than those of late. I am still not feeling quite right and do not want to be around people, especially crowds and noise, and I am not wanting to talk much but I am trying hard to get back to me. I am listening to the world a lot right now. You learn a lot with your mouth closed and your ears open. I am working hard to get back to the regular, happy-go-lucky me. I have some work to do first, but I am getting there. I promise.

Chico and I have started a new HBO series. We have been through Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Big Love. We have spent many lost rainy weekends lost in one or the other of these series. I recommend each and everyone one of them. Just mentioning them makes me want to open up discussion on the rich characters in each of them. Not today though, I dont want to lose you on too long of a post!

We have now started Rome. We watched the first two episodes of the second season last night. It is not as good as Sopranos or Six Feet but I am enjoying it (warning: a lot of violence though). And after all these years I am learning Chico is more than a pretty face, he knows a whole heck of a lot about the history of Rome. Apparently he listened in history class instead of being distracted by pretty girls and basketball ... so I am lucky enough to get a running commentary of the real goings on in the history of Rome and Caesar in comparison to what they are showing in the HBO series.

Lately multi-tasking is not my best skill and therefore cooking dinner lately has been a big no-no. Example: one entire loaf of bread used to make four completely unedible pieces of french toast (Read: I am one big fire-hazard). And yes!, I used to be a good cook.

Anyways, last night along with the first two episodes of the second season of Rome I was treated to this lovely, finger food feast:

Yum. Healthy, easy, thoughtful. Thank you.

Usually I have to read awhile to fall asleep at night. I read quite a bit anyways, but a few pages of someone else's story before I go to sleep at night really helps to relax me. I have a beautiful bedroom. I live in the attic loft of an old heritage home. My bedroom has been my little haven lately. I thought I would share a couple pictures of my room:

Last night I settled into my little nest and fell asleep instantly.

I woke though at 3 a.m. I could not settle. Thoughts of recent weeks, being off work and the most recent conversation with my daughter swirled in my head. I turned on my little reading light and read the remainder of my current read, Prodigal Summer (big recommendation). I finished and put the book down satisfied with the ending. Well worth the read. Unfortunately, my brain was still alive and churning when I put the book down. I lay there, trying to still my body. My hope was that my thoughts would also settle.

My landlord designs ponds for a living and my back yard is this amazing little haven with ponds with running water, lily pads, fish and beautiful banana trees. Here is another picture for you:

As I lay there trying to still my body and mind, my bedroom window was open, I could hear the water trickling in the ponds. I turned on my stomach to look out the window and the moon was shining brightly in a clear sky.

So peaceful.

Still, I could not fall asleep, my legs were itching to move ... I got up, went downstairs, had a glass of water, a couple of tylenol, a couple of gummy bears, checked a few of your blogs (thank you all for your wonderful stories) and finally went upstairs to my nest and eventually fell into a dreamless sleep.

Finally.

i cant fucking sleep

For starters, I seem to be avoiding my bedroom.

Which is stupid. I have a lovely bedroom.

I live in a little attic apartment of an old heritage home. My bedroom is a loft. It is quite cozy with its slanted walls and the charming brick chimney (that I really wish a flatscreen was hanging from). I can hear the ponds in my backyard from my bedroom window. Here is a picture of the ponds and a little plug for my landlord's business. As you can see my backyard is beautiful!

Lately, instead of climbing up the little wooden stairs to my haven, I lay on my couch at night and toss and turn and think.

I am exhausted.

The things I think about in the middle of the night have no relation at all to my thoughts or worries during the day.

When I get up, walk across the bridge in the morning, visit the ocean and look at the beautiful Vancouver skyline I kick myself for allowing those worries to even enter my head and ruin a good night's sleep.

Because really. Life is good.

Last night I went out with my friend Jen. We went for a walk in our neighbourhood, had a beer at the Five Point (the boys from my house had the same idea too!) caught up and had a great evening. Lots of laughs. No worries. Right?

I get home, feeling tired and ready for sleep.

I plop down on the couch.

In my comfiest summer p.j.s (ha, liar, I was naked!)

I close my eyes and suddenly,

I am AWAKE.

Wide awake.

No amount of anything could have put me to sleep (read whatever you want into that comment).

Today - I am a walking zombie. Again.

I am looking forward to my little vacation ... what better way to fall asleep than outdoors after playing in the sunshine all day?

Well, actually, I can think of a couple of ways ...

Tofino and a Simpsons movie!

As you know this is my big holiday this year!

Update:

1. We are going to stay an extra night! Yippee!
2. Staying in Ucluelet (can't wait to try and say that drunk!) instead of Tofino. Two nights there and one night at a friend of a friend of a friend's house. Here's a lovely pic of the beach in Ucluelet:

Questions and Answer section:

The answer to your question - my wonderful friends with the "hungry for information, enquiring minds want to know attitude" ...

Your big email question of the day yesterday seems to be - "who is the sexy girl???" ...

... I am thrilled you are all so excited about my love life, really I am.

And thanks for asking privately, not via blog ...

... But sorry to disappoint ... and be ever-so-boring ... (did you really think I'd write about it anyways??? )

... but the '"sexy girl" is a friend who happens to be sexy. =)

I am guilty of sensationalizing for the sake of the 'blog'. Geez, do you have to call me on EVERYTHING? =)

Anyways, moving on ... apparently we are going to try surfing! I see stitches in my future! =) Ouch! Good thing there is a plastic surgeon in the family now!




About the third night - last night (actually once before too) I met the woman we are staying with on the third night. She plays hockey on "sexy girl's" hockey team - and - to be completely honest - she scares me a little ... actually the thought of "sexy girl" and her wreaking havoc (sp?) on the shores of Van. Isle. have me MORE than a little nervous, hee hee!

I have a feeling it will be an adventurous couple of days for little old KellyNerd. Yikes! Bring on the healing qualities of gin! =)

AND on a COMPLETELY different subject ... as if camping was not enough ... The Simpson's Movie is coming out this weekend! I am so excited to see it. I am excited for YOU (yes, you) to see it too, I know you've waited a long time for it!

saturday ...

This is where I will be.

I volunteer for this cause. For the last two years I have helped round up sponsors to donate raffle items for the show. I attend the show and sell the raffle tickets. It was a fun night last year and this year is looking good

The event is a community outreach initiative by students of West Point Grey Academy as part of their “Fashion for a Cause“ project which will be held at the Rocky Mountaineer Station at 1755 Cottrell St. (at Terminal) on Saturday, April 28, 2007.

The students have chosen to support the Children’s Arthritis Foundation because it is the only charity that focuses entirely on the needs of kids with Rheumatic disease. The show will feature youth and adult fashion from some of Vancouver’s hottest designers and fashion outlets, and will play to an audience of more than 500 people.

mommyland

Here we are. In all our blessed phone camera glory. Megan is such a beauty. I am loving the purple hair. I want to hold her down, roll her up in bubble wrap and save her from this big bad world.



My pic? Well, honestly, that is my geeky version of sexy. Nice try eh?

Second try: Even worse. But I am here to entertain so here you go: =))




Meg and I had breakfast at Berts on Main. Yum.

I am now sitting at Lugz enjoying a chocolatey treat doing a little writing and updating nerdgirlsspace (obviously). My beauty is headed off to the burbs to do the things that teenagers do on a Saturday night. I have some solid plans for the evening that I am looking forward to("MHM"), my tummy is full of french toast, I am getting a new stainless steel fridge tomorrow and this city is gorgeous today, even in the rain.

but what i really need

is for you to please hold my hand.

I dont have to say it all out loud to you, you know I am frightened to death of doing it all wrong. I can sit and smile and be pretty and strong and you will just know that underneath it all I am a little scared ...

come hold my hand.

the management of this blog gave me a spanking ...

... and I'm back to normal today ... well, back to the normal levels of mother guilt, self pity and self loathing associated with being the parent of a teenage girl ... =) Thank you to the beautiful She-Village (and of course Chico) for the texts, comments, emails, phone calls and the home visit to make sure I'm ok. The home visit included manly-man work around the house and watching Gilmore Girls... definitely above and beyond the call of duty! You are the most amazing friends a girl could have. I am a lucky girl.

Some other things today:

I'm in my new glasses today - FINALLY. These glasses even make the shiner look good! Defintely worth the bucketload of money I spent on them.

Grey's Anatomy tonite. If someone doesn't die tonite I'm done with the show. They have been promising for two whole episodes. And it had better not be the hot redhead or Cali. Because then life wouldn't be worth living... I could live without the ditzy blond or Doctor Grey though.

Three more sleeps until the Habitat for Humanity build site experience! Yippee! Which means three more sleeps until I get to wear my new workboats (so cute!) and thank you very much Chico.

NOTE TO JEN - 25cent peep shows! We gotta talk girl... I suspect there may be about fifteen more layers to lovely lana that we are all dying to learn about! =)

Bye all - have a good day.

a picture to make you forget the rain

My backyard in the summer. Paradise. *Sigh*

Prada!

I lost my mind at lunch today.
The short story:
Eyesight worsening.
Headaches worsening.
Eye exam at lunch.
... and a kabillion dollars later:

But my, oh my, are they SEXY!

Happy Valentines Day

Thought this was cute.... the "UN" valentine

I am going to hell ... this time for sure ... =)

I have always been fascinated by diaries, journals and now, of course, blogs. Did you know that Anais Nin kept a journal for almost her entire young adult/adult life? That is very intriguing to me. She is intriguing to me. Part of it was the way she led her life (the affairs, the alleged bisexuality), part of it was the diaries. Who chronicles their life in that way??? I would have to research more but from what I understand she kept a journal for a good portion of her life.

If you think about it - you could spend a lifetime with someone and not truly know a person. Actually this is most likely. Your family, friends, lovers, husbands, wives, whomever. You really do not know their innermost thoughts. Not about everything. But a diary or journal (being that it is written for yourself, not an audience) would be someone's internal, deepest, secret thoughts. I would think that it takes a lot of self-discipline to keep a regular diary. I have sporadically written throughout my life. I love short stories, poems, quotes. I have on various occasions started a diary and found that I only write in it when there is something hurtful, devastating or bad to write about. Maybe that is just me though?? Possibly. I’ve never claimed to be normal. Again, as my mom would say, what’s normal???? I also, obviously, keep this blog. But this blog is not private so therefore, you really are only getting a fraction of what I think on certain subjects that I choose to share. I am not saying it is full of untruths, I am saying it is written knowing there is an audience. My fans, if you will! =)))) I probably share things that I shouldnt.

If you do not know who Anais Nin is – GOOGLE her! (I know this is getting long, but the hell part is coming...)

Two of my favourite Anais Nin Quotes:

1. There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

2. We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

And, apparently, there are others more fascinated by her than I am: http://www.thinkingofanaisnin.blogspot.com/

I have read, re-read and recommend “Henry and June”. It is a novel written from excerpts of Anais' personal journal chronicling her affair (while she was married) with Henry Miller (please tell me you know who Henry Miller is!) and his wife June. There is some debate over whether Anais actually had a physical relationship with June. Who really knows? If you go by her diary, she did. There is a lot of speculation that Anias Nin wrote her diary knowing there would be an audience. Whether that audience be friends, lovers, acquaintances or strangers … does this mean you cannot trust the facts in it or does it mean that it is still true but written in a different way, with reasons other than writing for personal growth and/or therapy?

This is way longer than intended, good thing I type 90 odd words a minute - one more thing before I get to the I’m going to hell part.

Dooce

Blogger. Amazing writer.

Stumbled across her blog from a friend’s blog. She was fired for the content in her blog. Lesson – NEVER, ever write about work, work people - even if you do it anonymously. Even if you do not mention the company’s name.

To make Dooce's story even more interesting she lives in Utah and comes from a Mormon family and became media fodder for being fired from her job, therefore making her blog (and her opinions on Mormonism) public to her family. I think she is an entertaining, fearless writer and am full on, addicted to her blog. She is very sarcastic and all her stories (writing since 2001 I think) have a great Dooce perspective and are worth the read. Check it out.

http://www.dooce.com/

Anyways, the I’m going to hell part:

Chico and I stumbled upon two diaries recently. They were lying on the side of the road. I picked them up and took them home with the intention of returning them to the writer. I thought that if it was me I wouldn’t want my private thoughts out on the side of the road for any psycho to read. Turns out I’m the psycho. I woke up at 3 a.m. last night and couldn’t sleep. I had a teensy peek at them. Fine, all right, two hours or so… I honestly had every intention (and still do) of returning the diaries, I just didn’t have time this weekend. The woman who wrote them put her address and name in the cover. But now what? Drop them and run? I am a terrible liar and she will know I read them if I face her to return them. She was just so fascinating and oh so very human and well, I have no excuse. I want her to have her (what used to be) private thoughts back but now don’t know how to go about it. I guess it is likely I will mail them.

Yes, I know I suck. I suck huge. Send your hatemail to the email addy above. When you send your hatemail could you please tell me if you keep a diary? And your thoughts on blogging, diaries, journals, whatever … as you can see, I am a little obsessed with the subject now. Help feed my problem! =)

Two posts today -

My new favourite lip stuff!!!

Ok, those of you who know me know I am not a big makeup girl. Wont spend a lot of money on it and anything good I own (like the MAC) was bought by my mom or my sis. Actually, come to think of it all my favourite work clothes were presents from them too. Hm. I am seeing a pattern. OMG! My favourite coat and bag too (Lululemon –thanks Mandy and Mom!)…

anyways, not the point…

This is it.

This is the product. Revlon “Just Bitten”.

http://revlon.com/ProductCatalog/ProductDetails.aspx?CategoryID=2&SubCategoryID=7&ProductID=33

Lip stain. It makes my lips look like the colour I should have been born with! Nice. Very nice. Actually it is kind of like the colour your lips go when you drink red wine but without the annoying teeth stains!

And if anyone is interested (pretty girls on buses) … it tastes like berries! =)

Naked Neighbour!

The door next to me clicks open Monday night... my new neighbour, Clem, is peeking his head out the door. Cute guy ladies, blond hair, devilish smile ... anyways ... half his body is hidden behind the door and the other half is out and obviously NAKED...

"Hey Neighbour". "Oh, hey Clem... thanks for cleaning the foyer, it looks awesome!... I'd come check out what you've done with the place... but um ... you dont seem to have any clothes on!" "Ok, Kell, maybe some other time."

Note: This post is intended to encourage my girlfriends to visit me more often... enticing them with man eye candy!!!! Clem is the one with the white hat.... and remember Darren? He is the one on the right in the blue shirt... really have absolutely no idea who the other guys is!

And Chico strikes again... =)

What phone? Who needs a phone??

Thank you

to Chico for trying to make me feel better today by sending me a pic of one of my favourite t.v. stars... I'm at work with a very sore throat and a FEVER! This helped though....

Thought I'd share her with you...

Yup somebody lost an eye!

On a happier note... take a peek at this picture of one of my loveliest friends Trisha (yes she's single!) and her gorgeous, funny, smartass daughter Hailee (my second favourite kid in the world).



And here on the left is my beautiful baby girl Megan. One of the most intelligent, beautiful, amazing creatures I know. Life, energy, resilience, kindness, strength and a drive that matches no other I've ever met. Am proud to be her mama.