blades

My mom and I sat on the bench lacing up. I thought of how lucky I am to share this passion with my mom. Something special that we can do together.

The zamboni turned into its garage and the gates opened.

"Come on mom, lets go. It's time."

We step down on the ice. It is like we have been there all along. Never stopped.

The sound.

I cannot find the keystrokes, alphabet order, words to describe the sound of my blades on the ice.

The ice is clean, there are only about five other people here. We start gliding a little faster. Mom looks comfortable. Steady. Happy. I say "mom, can I go?" She nods and I am off.

My legs push, the picks launch me off and I am stroking around the ice. My ears are so cold they hurt and my legs feel a familiar burn. I can hear my blades. I wish I could describe the sound. I turn around, backwards crossovers, I can still do this. I can do this. Mom says try a jump. I do. Down I go. Sliding on my hip across the ice. Oh, no. I can do this and I find myself in the air with my arms and legs wrapped properly around my body into a graceful landing. It is a single. But it is a jump. I did it. Big smiles. Heart pounding. I feel such a freedom out here.

Try a spin. I cant. I get dizzy now. I try and try. Nope, that I cannot do. Not with any grace.

Mom says "You used to a beautiful Ina Bauer."

This is a pic of what an Ina Bauer looks like:"Ha, ha, mom, nice try, as if my body can twist like that now."

I feel challenged suddenly. Ok, I start skating - faster and faster - I go to the corner and cut diagonally across the ice - I twist my legs and feet in position and lean my head back. I do one. I hold it the length of the ice. I feel graceful. I feel like the teenager that was a skater way back then.

For the full forty minutes we were on that ice the ping pong mess of thoughts that have been ravaging my brain for months ceased.

My head felt peace.

... please be quiet continued ...

On Sunday morning, bright and early, Chico showed up at my mom's house to take me home. Knowing me as he does - knowing what would make me feel peaceful - knowing what I would need - on the way home we visited the ocean.

Here are the pictures taken that day at Belcarra Park.

I find myself back home, shutting myself in again.

This is doing me no good.

My mom is coming to get me again tomorrow. Thanks mom.

actual conversation today - kinda funny

Me (obviously, not serious): "Why are you such an ass*?" =)

Him (three guesses who): "I am not a ass*. I am just being me. The fact that society puts me in that category and labels me as an asshole is beyond my control." =)

These are the kinda serious conversations we have. Seriously. =) It is fun to have this kind of friend ... =) at least he has a good answer for everything!!

asshole
noun
1.
insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous
2.
vulgar slang for anus [syn: arse]

and the award goes to my mom and my best friend ...

Words any girl is happy to hear and lucky enough to receive from her mom:

Please know that I am here and would be there on a moments notice.

Love you Mom

Simple, to the point, appreciated and noted.

Thanks mom

*******************************

An email exchange:

Re: I stink

I guess I had better clean up before you get here. I have been lazy on my couch for days, I cannot remember when I last washed my hair.

Brilliant response:

Re: Re: I stink

I won't care ... you once threw up on my feet, did not phase me a bit ...


Now that is the love of a best friend. Almost, just almost enough, to tear me away from the blog reading, soap operas, Ellen and self pity party and go upstairs and use some soap and maybe shampoo. Toothpaste would probably be a good idea too.

Almost

Tofino and a Simpsons movie!

As you know this is my big holiday this year!

Update:

1. We are going to stay an extra night! Yippee!
2. Staying in Ucluelet (can't wait to try and say that drunk!) instead of Tofino. Two nights there and one night at a friend of a friend of a friend's house. Here's a lovely pic of the beach in Ucluelet:

Questions and Answer section:

The answer to your question - my wonderful friends with the "hungry for information, enquiring minds want to know attitude" ...

Your big email question of the day yesterday seems to be - "who is the sexy girl???" ...

... I am thrilled you are all so excited about my love life, really I am.

And thanks for asking privately, not via blog ...

... But sorry to disappoint ... and be ever-so-boring ... (did you really think I'd write about it anyways??? )

... but the '"sexy girl" is a friend who happens to be sexy. =)

I am guilty of sensationalizing for the sake of the 'blog'. Geez, do you have to call me on EVERYTHING? =)

Anyways, moving on ... apparently we are going to try surfing! I see stitches in my future! =) Ouch! Good thing there is a plastic surgeon in the family now!




About the third night - last night (actually once before too) I met the woman we are staying with on the third night. She plays hockey on "sexy girl's" hockey team - and - to be completely honest - she scares me a little ... actually the thought of "sexy girl" and her wreaking havoc (sp?) on the shores of Van. Isle. have me MORE than a little nervous, hee hee!

I have a feeling it will be an adventurous couple of days for little old KellyNerd. Yikes! Bring on the healing qualities of gin! =)

AND on a COMPLETELY different subject ... as if camping was not enough ... The Simpson's Movie is coming out this weekend! I am so excited to see it. I am excited for YOU (yes, you) to see it too, I know you've waited a long time for it!

T.O.F.I.N.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.

Guess where I am going?


Here!:

Camping.

In a tent.

With a girl.

A sexy girl.

Yippee!

We are leaving Sunday morning. Coming home Tuesday night.

The countdown begins.

Four more sleeps!

say hello to my little friend

say hello to Lucy. Isn't she pretty??

Lucy is my new little friend. I promise not to drown her, throw her or drop her!

*****

Anyways ...

I am escaping the big bad City this weekend. Going to give up the ocean and head out to the boonies.

1. I am going to talk as little as possible (the noise in my head is loud enough at the moment).
2. I am going to move as slowly as possible.
3. I am going to smell a few roses (literally).
4. I am going to hug Chico's parents and listen to his mom's amazing stories. He will probably get a hug or two too.
5. I am going to get fat(ter) eating yummy homemade Indian food.
6. I will read, read and read some more. This is my current read.
7. I will go to the gym with Chico Saturday morning. (yes, I realize this contradicts the moving slowly as possible, but it is my blog so whatever).
8. Saturday - Chico is going to take me to Harrison Hot Springs for ICECREAM!!!
9. I will spend as much time as possible outdoors in my bikini sunning myself.
10. I am going to write. Write and write some more. I know I have a short story in this head of mine worth telling!
11. On Sunday I plan to visit here, or here and possibly here. And would this not be fun??

I hope you all have a great weekend. Thanks for checking in on nerdgirl. Sometimes I need the attention. Right now is one of those times.

... insanity ...

5:15 a.m. Woke up and padded out to the kitchen to get a glass of water ... took a peek outside ... sun rising over the water ... damn, beautiful.

I crawl back into bed. A beautifully sculpted arm slips around my waist and there is sweet breath on my back ... but I'm already gone. "I gotta go. The ocean."

"You're insane."

I know, possibly, probably ... still, gotta go ...

5:57 a.m.

Find myself standing on the Cambie Street bridge listening to Theory of a Deadman's "Make Up Your Mind" (Listen HERE) and looking out over Science World at the sun rising.

The water is calm.

For a second I feel like I could be stronger than I am.

That the water could be warm and inviting ...

I picture myself doing a swan dive and breaking through the water.

Gracefully pushing back up through the surface with my face in the sun.

Sad, these human limitations.

I turn around, walk back over the bridge.

Now all I want to do is crawl back into bed. Silly girl.

******************************

The Words to Make up Your Mind:

Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
When will we make up, will we break up?
Let's wake up, let's wake up, let's wake up
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Let's wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
Let's wake up, let's make up

... kissing ...

Could you please put your hand on the back of my neck ...
pull me around and close to your face ...
close enough to smell your peppermint gum ...
long enough to look into your kind eyes ...
and to remember just how long it has been since you really kissed me ...

on happiness

I read an article in the Globe today called 'Are you Happy?'.

Well readers - are you?

When asked, the answer to that question for me is a genuine yes.

I like my life. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful daughter, incredible lifelong friendships, amazing new friends, a job that challenges me, and I am fairly sure I am a good human being (as I've said before - flawed, severly flawed) but a desire to be good, better ...

... indeed I have all the necessary items to be able to say that I am genuinely happy.

Does this mean that I do not have hurt in my life? Of course I do. I have anxiety and stress. I have longings that go unfulfilled. I have days where I am unsure of myself and my place in the world. Some days I do not know my purpose and if I should even have one other than enjoying my life.

And there is pain, plenty of it. These things, I am told, are a part of life.

Something I've learned along the way is that it is the moments, the single snapshots of your day/life that add up to make it a good life. My mom is a great proponent of doing what you need to do in the moment to make yourself happy.

Looking back on those crazy moments when I feel insane with hurt or am so stressed I cannot see a way out and I dont know what to do I recognize that I have the power in those moments to say to myself "What do I need right NOW to make me happy in this moment" and to take the results of that question and proactively seek out that happiness. When I dont do that for myself, I have nobody to blame but myself.

It is hard mantra to follow in certain [most? some? =))]situations and I fail miserably sometimes [often, always, never, sometimes =)))] (nice try Kel, more like OFTEN!) ... But I do recognize that I have the power in my own hands to be happy, to enjoy my life and to be in charge of making the choice to be happy. It is just that, a decision.

One of the lines in the article reads (and hits home with me):

"The state of the world is often annoying. But maybe you've been too busy channelling positive energy to notice. Freud certainly wasn't. The father of modern psychology thought that humans weren't meant to feel consistently happy, since "all the regulations of the universe run counter to it." And yet somewhere along the line we forgot Freud and embraced Tony Robbins."

it goes on to say:

"The problem with the culture of incessant happiness is that it's one of the things that drives social dissatisfaction, you're asked to take yourself as a constant self-improvement, and frankly this never ending quest is exhausting."

I'd be interested to 'hear' your opinions on this subject. Those two paragraphs hit home, then they didn't then I went back around again. Doesn't matter. What do you think??

because i love nerdy socks ...

This morning mine read:

... you break my heart you buy it ...

And yes, I think that is reasonable.

my favourite flower

things that make me smile ...

1. Kiss me on my forehead.
2. Hold my hand (not with our fingers laced - the other way...).
3. Touch the inside of my elbow or the back of my knee ... ever so lightly ...
4. When I call, text or email, the first thing out of your mouth is "I was just thinking about you".
5. Meeting a dog named Finnigin.
6. Visiting the ocean on my walk home.
7. Suprising me with something small, just because.
8. Letting me look after you, cook for you, pack you a lunch, something, anything, so that I feel needed.
9. Seeing my daughter with a genuine, happy smile on her face.
10. The sound of the ponds in my yard.
11. The sound of the rain on my skylights.
12. My new friends.
13. My old friends.
14. Rings that fit on either hand.
15. The first five seconds of a shower, the moment where you close your eyes, shut out the world and dunk your head under the faucet ...
16. The first five seconds of the morning ... that moment when you wake up and realize it is the start of a new day and today is going to be, has to be, better than yesterday.
17. Volunteering and meeting new people that surprise you with their story.
18. The look on your face when it breaks into a smile when I've said something funny.
19. Stumbling across a new blog to read that is a little racy, funny, creative or insightful.

... to be continued ...