Sunday, July 29, 2007


I need some advice blogging friends.

I've ruined my blog.

It doesn't look like I have, but I have.

I find myself censoring, deleting, editing and rewriting my posts when I do not want to be. I almost wish some days my blog was anonymous so that I could write openly about my feelings. That was to be the whole point of this thing to start with! I have toyed around with the idea of starting another one to just write...

The problem is that I write what I feel in any given moment. I may not feel that very same thing five minutes later but the post remains there until I write about something else.... and because I am not using this as a true journal you do not get updates, I just write about the next random thing that pops into my head.

For example:

Recovering Straight Girl writes (or seems to) candidly about her relationship with her girlfriend, her thoughts on her ex, and the trials and tribulations of being a mother, ex-wife and a woman in a same-sex relationship/marriage. From reading her blog I can see that her friends, family and her girlfriend read it daily. Why does she feel so comfortable expressing her feelings?

Better question - why am I such a wimp about it?

Anyways, fellow blogging friends, tell me ... are you censoring yourself? I honestly want to know your thoughts and feelings on this whole thing.

Love you all.

I'm off now to Ucluelet. Well ... I will be when sexy.girl drags her cute butt out of bed!


Friday, July 27, 2007

i cant fucking sleep

For starters, I seem to be avoiding my bedroom.

Which is stupid. I have a lovely bedroom.

I live in a little attic apartment of an old heritage home. My bedroom is a loft. It is quite cozy with its slanted walls and the charming brick chimney (that I really wish a flatscreen was hanging from). I can hear the ponds in my backyard from my bedroom window. Here is a picture of the ponds and a little plug for my landlord's business. As you can see my backyard is beautiful!

Lately, instead of climbing up the little wooden stairs to my haven, I lay on my couch at night and toss and turn and think.

I am exhausted.

The things I think about in the middle of the night have no relation at all to my thoughts or worries during the day.

When I get up, walk across the bridge in the morning, visit the ocean and look at the beautiful Vancouver skyline I kick myself for allowing those worries to even enter my head and ruin a good night's sleep.

Because really. Life is good.

Last night I went out with my friend Jen. We went for a walk in our neighbourhood, had a beer at the Five Point (the boys from my house had the same idea too!) caught up and had a great evening. Lots of laughs. No worries. Right?

I get home, feeling tired and ready for sleep.

I plop down on the couch.

In my comfiest summer p.j.s (ha, liar, I was naked!)

I close my eyes and suddenly,


Wide awake.

No amount of anything could have put me to sleep (read whatever you want into that comment).

Today - I am a walking zombie. Again.

I am looking forward to my little vacation ... what better way to fall asleep than outdoors after playing in the sunshine all day?

Well, actually, I can think of a couple of ways ...

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I wish I could take credit for this

No matter how you choose to define it.

It is you.

For you:

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you.

The blind would stumble
certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back.

This ankle.

You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you before marriage
never touch you -- your keen nosed mother,
your rough brothers.

I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.

You climbed the bank and said
this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.

And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.
and knew
what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamonpeeler's wife.

Smell me.

Tofino and a Simpsons movie!

As you know this is my big holiday this year!


  1. We are going to stay an extra night! Yippee!
  2. Staying in Ucluelet (can't wait to try and say that drunk!) instead of Tofino. Two nights there and one night at a friend of a friend of a friend's house. Here's a lovely pic of the beach in Ucluelet:

Questions and Answer section:

The answer to your question - my wonderful friends with the "hungry for information, enquiring minds want to know attitude" ...

Your big email question of the day yesterday seems to be - "who is the sexy girl???" ...

... I am thrilled you are all so excited about my love life, really I am.

And thanks for asking privately, not via blog ...

... But sorry to disappoint ... and be ever-so-boring ... (did you really think I'd write about it anyways??? )

... but the '"sexy girl" is a friend who happens to be sexy. =)

I am guilty of sensationalizing for the sake of the 'blog'. Geez, do you have to call me on EVERYTHING? =)

Anyways, moving on ... apparently we are going to try surfing! I see stitches in my future! =) Ouch! Good thing there is a plastic surgeon in the family now!

About the third night - last night (actually once before too) I met the woman we are staying with on the third night. She plays hockey on "sexy girl's" hockey team - and - to be completely honest - she scares me a little ... actually the thought of "sexy girl" and her wreaking havoc (sp?) on the shores of Van. Isle. have me MORE than a little nervous, hee hee!

I have a feeling it will be an adventurous couple of days for little old KellyNerd. Yikes! Bring on the healing qualities of gin! =)

AND on a COMPLETELY different subject ... as if camping was not enough ... The Simpson's Movie is coming out this weekend! I am so excited to see it. I am excited for YOU (yes, you) to see it too, I know you've waited a long time for it!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007



Guess where I am going?



In a tent.

With a girl.

A sexy girl.


We are leaving Sunday morning. Coming home Tuesday night.

The countdown begins.

Four more sleeps!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

random thoughts on nothing today

mean people suck

I used to have this bumper sticker on my car. The last vehicle I owned actually - I dont drive anymore. I had a great little Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. It was fire engine red. I loved it. It looked just like this:

My daughter and I used to get bundled up in the middle of winter, grab some hot chocolate, throw a blanket over our laps, turn up the music, crank the heat on our feet and just DRIVE. *sigh* feeling a little nostalgic at the moment...give me a second ...

Ok, so:

mean people suck ...

... when I see this corny little statement on someone's backpack, car, tshirt I feel hope for us silly humans.

What exactly is being mean? Cruel?

Cruel - dictionary dot com says:
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.

I think we have all touched "meaness" or "cruelty" whether it be on the receiving end or the giving end. I think, and hope that most people do not intend to be mean. It seems to me that cruelty and selfishness go hand in hand. They seem to in many instances anyways...

selfishness dictionary dot com says:
1. devoted to or caring for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

We are all selfish sometimes. It is human nature. I suppose sometimes you have to be a little selfish to get you through this life. But I think the ignorant ‘me-first’ attitude of narrow self-interest, pretending that no one gets hurt by your words and actions is a dangerous way to live.

Hm, seems to be all I have to say on the subject. I don’t know where I was going with this…

... I guess I just want to thank people in my life for being selfless rather than selfish and for being caring rather than cruel and for being there throughout my life.

I hope you feel you get that in return.

You deserve it.

Ha. And you thought I was going somewhere else with this, didn't you??

Monday, July 23, 2007


I am feeling quiet right now.

Really quiet.

It is amazing the things you learn about people and situations when you just sit back and listen.

Listening is hard to do. Real listening, when you actually hear...

But I am learning (again) that sometimes the mouth is better left shut and some things are better left unsaid.

This silence has also allowed me to appreciate the value of the loved ones in my life that I can sit with in silence and feel like I am being heard louder than if I had raised my voice and screamed my every thought and feeling at the top of my lungs.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I thought this post worth repeating ...

See my favourite poem here. It hits me where it counts.

Monday, July 16, 2007

a complete success!

no access to nerdgirl was a total success.

I turned off the phone.

Lie. I still checked it for emergency purposes, but for all intents and purposes, it was 'off'.

I did not eat healthy, get any exercise, bake cookies or read. None of it.

I did drink a pitcher of sangria, eat a lot of crap, go for a walk at Jericho, sit on a few patios and make a delicious dinner of Shepherd's Pie on Sunday! Yum. I wore fun, non-work clothes all weekend. Was nice to feel and be all 'summer pretty'. I watched Coronation Street, napped on the couch and looked after me. It felt good. I also did a lot of thinking. About life and love and family and about what is next. What do I want? The list of a hundred things I want to do... it is at a standstill... screeched to a halt actually... time to figure out what it is that I WANT and DO.IT.Now. Also on the brain: SEX! Is it just that time of year?? If there were ever a time where I would consider getting all promiscuous and down and dirty (sorry mom!), now (right now) would be it but ... *sigh* ... instead I'm all boring and into the whole monogamous thing! =) A girl just cannot change those kind of stripes!

Anyways, sex aside (for now), I also watched these classics that I'd never seen before:

Taxi Driver: DeNiro=sexy. Seriously sexy. He could make me rethink the whole woman thing.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Is it bad to love the big Indian guy because he did not say a word? I truly loved that. I am thinking of looking for a deaf/mute partner now. =) Ok, now, now, no hate mail, I am just kidding... Seriously though... I probably talk enough for the both of us anyways and he was not actually deaf/mute, he chose not to say a word - there was something calming about the silence, it made him seem gentle somehow.

All in all I had a lovely weekend with my very good friend/ex-girlfriend/something ... She treated me like a princess, watched out for me when I crossed the street (I am a sucker for that), drove me around, shared her home, walked on the beach, played me good music, even songs she does not like and let me look after her a bit ... I loved, loved, loved every second of it.

I am completely refreshed.

ps. I feel like the word "SEX" should be watermarked all over this posting... can you do that in blogger????????????????? =))

Friday, July 13, 2007

no access to nerdgirl

As of noon today I am turning off the phone, taking off the makeup, throwing the hair into pigtails, removing the bra (and possibly the underwear!) and going to be incommunicado all weekend. Going to eat healthy food, get some exercise, play by the ocean, read, read and read some more... going to watch a couple of movies... and possibly, just possibly, bake some cookies!

See you all Monday when the computer and phone comes back on!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

the world of kelly is a little crazy sometimes

so I have an interesting goal today.

Do not call any clients Mr. Dick.

Especially when that is NOT their name. I repeat NOT. Not even close.

True story:

Yesterday, I get on the phone, all polite as get out. The assistant voice at the ready. I am phoning one of David's bigger clients a Mr. Andy *insert proper name here* and say: "Good morning Mr. Dick."

"Um, want to try that again?"

Peels of laughter instead of I'm sorrys ...

Geez, I am sorry (guffaw, haha, give me a sec...) Mr. *insert proper name here*, I (tears rolling now) misspoke!

Mr. Dick. Great.

Yes, I still have a job.

On a completely different note. I decided last night that when I grow up I want to be a private investigator, living on a sailboat with my dog Lola.

Oh, yes I can!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Unless you are going to:

(a) tell me I'm pretty;
(b) tell me I am spectacular;
(c) tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to you;
(d) tell me that I am brilliant;
(e) tell me that I look lovely in my outfit today;
(f) tell me that I am absolutely adorable, lovable and kind

do not bother to even open your mouth and talk to me today.


And unless you like your berries, do not ask me if I am pmsing... I AM NOT. I am just in a bad mood. No, I dont have a good reason, I just am. I know you all expect me to be all sunshine and light all the time - no matter what crap you throw at me - but today


Maybe sending nerdgirl some love via the comments section will save a few lives today. Go ahead try it! =)

This pic made me laugh out loud though:

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

... getting a little personal ...

It is that time of year again...

Summer always makes me want to get out and date and meet new people. Everyone is all prettied up, getting healthy and tanned. Nothing better than a nice refreshing gin on a patio with someone new and exciting.

I have put dating on the backburner for a little bit now but have met some amazing women lately and its time to get back out there and have some fun! I have a date tomorrow night and a date Thursday night... Yup, two different people. I know, hussie!

I love summer. =)

let's just call it clumsy

It seems that if there is a wall to walk into, stairs to fall down, a hole to twist my ankle in or something to burn myself on my body hurtles itself towards that danger.

I hurt myself last night. Eyes wide open, walking straight ahead towards what I knew to be danger, feeling all invincible and sure of my footing. Damn that hurt.


Friday, July 06, 2007

say hello to my little friend

say hello to Lucy. Isn't she pretty??

Lucy is my new little friend. I promise not to drown her, throw her or drop her!


Anyways ...

I am escaping the big bad City this weekend. Going to give up the ocean and head out to the boonies.

  1. I am going to talk as little as possible (the noise in my head is loud enough at the moment).
  2. I am going to move as slowly as possible.
  3. I am going to smell a few roses (literally).
  4. I am going to hug Chico's parents and listen to his mom's amazing stories. He will probably get a hug or two too.
  5. I am going to get fat(ter) eating yummy homemade Indian food.
  6. I will read, read and read some more. This is my current read.
  7. I will go to the gym with Chico Saturday morning. (yes, I realize this contradicts the moving slowly as possible, but it is my blog so whatever).
  8. Saturday - Chico is going to take me to Harrison Hot Springs for ICECREAM!!!
  9. I will spend as much time as possible outdoors in my bikini sunning myself.
  10. I am going to write. Write and write some more. I know I have a short story in this head of mine worth telling!
  11. On Sunday I plan to visit here, or here and possibly here. And would this not be fun??

I hope you all have a great weekend. Thanks for checking in on nerdgirl. Sometimes I need the attention. Right now is one of those times.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

grey rock

Jasmine and I went on a hike in Deep Cove last night. Here is the view from the top:

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

on being substantial

sub·stan·tial –adjective
1. of ample or considerable amount, quantity, size, etc.: a substantial sum of money.
2. of a corporeal or material nature; tangible; real.
3. of solid character or quality; firm, stout, or strong: a substantial physique.
4. basic or essential; fundamental: two stories in substantial agreement.
5. wealthy or influential: one of the substantial men of the town.
6. of real worth, value, or effect: substantial reasons.
7. pertaining to the substance, matter, or material of a thing.
8. of or pertaining to the essence of a thing; essential, material, or important.
9. being a substance; having independent existence.
10. Philosophy. pertaining to or of the nature of substance rather than an accident or attribute.
something substantial.

—Synonyms: stable, sound, On being substantial
sub·stan·tial –adjective

Am hurting a little today. Something happened to make me feel like I am failing somewhere, somehow at who I want to be. I suddenly feel like I do not possess the qualities I need to hold onto what is or who is important to me. Can this be true?

At the end of it all. When my ashes are being scattered across the ocean I want to be remembered for being a substantial human being.
Someone with layers.
I want to be remembered for doing good in the world.
I want to make a difference.
I want to have possessed positive qualities amongst my flaws ... I want to do things for people that matter.
Outer beauty is fleeting (how cliché is that?) and at the end of the day does not mean anything. Physical beauty’s only purpose (that I can see) is to initially attract potential partners… if there is nothing else behind the skin, the eyes, the hair and clothes then there is not much else to hold onto. I have something else there really... please just look.

I hope the words ‘kind’, ‘loving’, ‘giving’, ‘caring’ would be words that come off your lips once I am gone.

And I hope I was loved ...

Monday, July 02, 2007

... insanity ...

5:15 a.m. Woke up and padded out to the kitchen to get a glass of water ... took a peek outside ... sun rising over the water ... damn, beautiful.

I crawl back into bed. A beautifully sculpted arm slips around my waist and there is sweet breath on my back ... but I'm already gone. "I gotta go. The ocean."

"You're insane."

I know, possibly, probably ... still, gotta go ...

5:57 a.m.

Find myself standing on the Cambie Street bridge listening to Theory of a Deadman's "Make Up Your Mind" (Listen HERE) and looking out over Science World at the sun rising.

The water is calm.

For a second I feel like I could be stronger than I am.

That the water could be warm and inviting ...

I picture myself doing a swan dive and breaking through the water.

Gracefully pushing back up through the surface with my face in the sun.

Sad, these human limitations.

I turn around, walk back over the bridge.

Now all I want to do is crawl back into bed. Silly girl.


The Words to Make up Your Mind:

Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
When will we make up, will we break up?
Let's wake up, let's wake up, let's wake up
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Let's wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
Let's wake up, let's make up