day one of pride down

Got home just before five!

Am so tired.

Am feeling a little blue.

A lot blue.

Tried to dance it out of my skin last night.

Tried to run it out of my skin last night.

Sat at the ocean at 4:00 in the morning to get some perspective.

Did.not.work.

Something happened yesterday morning when I got home from camping that I was just not expecting.

Why is it when you are all happy and content you get blindsided by reality? My little heart is just so sensitive.

I am hurting.

Thankfully as we speak, my beautiful little brazilian friend Sam is packing a bag. She is going to hold my hand, sleep in my loft and celebrate the beautiful women of Vancouver with me this weekend.

Sam, my little band aid.

Thank god for friends.

i cant fucking sleep

For starters, I seem to be avoiding my bedroom.

Which is stupid. I have a lovely bedroom.

I live in a little attic apartment of an old heritage home. My bedroom is a loft. It is quite cozy with its slanted walls and the charming brick chimney (that I really wish a flatscreen was hanging from). I can hear the ponds in my backyard from my bedroom window. Here is a picture of the ponds and a little plug for my landlord's business. As you can see my backyard is beautiful!

Lately, instead of climbing up the little wooden stairs to my haven, I lay on my couch at night and toss and turn and think.

I am exhausted.

The things I think about in the middle of the night have no relation at all to my thoughts or worries during the day.

When I get up, walk across the bridge in the morning, visit the ocean and look at the beautiful Vancouver skyline I kick myself for allowing those worries to even enter my head and ruin a good night's sleep.

Because really. Life is good.

Last night I went out with my friend Jen. We went for a walk in our neighbourhood, had a beer at the Five Point (the boys from my house had the same idea too!) caught up and had a great evening. Lots of laughs. No worries. Right?

I get home, feeling tired and ready for sleep.

I plop down on the couch.

In my comfiest summer p.j.s (ha, liar, I was naked!)

I close my eyes and suddenly,

I am AWAKE.

Wide awake.

No amount of anything could have put me to sleep (read whatever you want into that comment).

Today - I am a walking zombie. Again.

I am looking forward to my little vacation ... what better way to fall asleep than outdoors after playing in the sunshine all day?

Well, actually, I can think of a couple of ways ...

random thoughts on nothing today

mean people suck

I used to have this bumper sticker on my car. The last vehicle I owned actually - I dont drive anymore. I had a great little Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. It was fire engine red. I loved it. It looked just like this:



My daughter and I used to get bundled up in the middle of winter, grab some hot chocolate, throw a blanket over our laps, turn up the music, crank the heat on our feet and just DRIVE. *sigh* feeling a little nostalgic at the moment...give me a second ...

Ok, so:

mean people suck ...

... when I see this corny little statement on someone's backpack, car, tshirt I feel hope for us silly humans.

What exactly is being mean? Cruel?

Cruel - dictionary dot com says:
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.

I think we have all touched "meaness" or "cruelty" whether it be on the receiving end or the giving end. I think, and hope that most people do not intend to be mean. It seems to me that cruelty and selfishness go hand in hand. They seem to in many instances anyways...

selfishness dictionary dot com says:
1. devoted to or caring for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

We are all selfish sometimes. It is human nature. I suppose sometimes you have to be a little selfish to get you through this life. But I think the ignorant ‘me-first’ attitude of narrow self-interest, pretending that no one gets hurt by your words and actions is a dangerous way to live.

Hm, seems to be all I have to say on the subject. I don’t know where I was going with this…

... I guess I just want to thank people in my life for being selfless rather than selfish and for being caring rather than cruel and for being there throughout my life.

I hope you feel you get that in return.

You deserve it.

Ha. And you thought I was going somewhere else with this, didn't you??

gullible

I am far too gullible. Apparently need is on an 'per situation' basis ...

my anchor continued ...

My anchor broke out of the mud at the bottom of the pit.

I cant quite see it yet ... soon, very soon... I believe it is starting to surface

I may have to clean the muck off it a bit ... but, as usual, I am more than willing to make that effort.

Looking forward to pulling up the final few links of the chain tonite. See you soon.

trust me on this one ...

Quote:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

this really pisses me off ... humans can be so ugly

See front page of the Province today - Horrific!

The picture caught my eye and made my heart pound and my eyes water.

The story broke my heart.

Auntie Carole dont read it or you will own twenty more dogs! =)

you can get away with calling me a lot of things but this one burned my ass ...

I am a what? pardon me - but did i just hear you correctly? asshole. fucking asshole.

Yes, friends, you heard it right, I'm swearing. Out loud.

Ok, every morning I go to McDonalds at Library Square to get my McGriddles. It makes me happy, its what I do, its my little routine. I've been doing it since last summer. Seriously, EVERY morning!

Each morning I wait in line behind about twenty homeless guys using their government vouchers to get their breakfast. McDonalds is jammed packed with these guys swearing and coughing and making their little deals etc. This has been going on for months. Some of them are very friendly and I say hello to those ones. One even gave me a cellphone cover. See story here.

I'll admit it (hate mail be damned, I'm not scared of your comments!) - some mornings I find it a little (a lot) annoying to be standing in a long line up waiting for these guys to get their 14th coffee refill when they are headed ... um ... nowhere and I need to get to my office.

Today. Argh today.

I could actually see my fist (yes, Chico my nerdy fist) flying across the space between me and this guy and punching him square in the nose... ASSHOLE.

As I was rushing by him and the fourteen others standing outside smoking their morning joint he caught my eye and decided (I think he was trying to flirt) to blow a cloud of smoke in my face. Arriving at the LAWFIRM I work in smelling like pot is not exactly couture, so I made a face and ducked away from him - only.to. hear. him. do the: "fakecoughingwhorething"!!!

areyoufuckingkiddingme?

Do you even know what whore means?

Here, let me give you a clue:

a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet. –verb (used without object)
2.
to act as a whore.
3.
to consort with whores. –verb (used with object)
4.
Obsolete. to make a whore of; corrupt; debauch.

Ok, now that I read these, I am not exactly innocent per say. But I am certainly not currently a whore by definition.

I am quite positive though that you are a lazynogoodfuckingasshole.

people who care and stupid cab company and stupid transit ...

Thank you for surprise visiting me last night! I know you had your own work things going on. Thank you for coming over anyways. Thank you for asking about the latest Megan worries and thank you for not wincing when I asked you to look at the back of my throat with my sick breath. You are a superstar!

And You. You know who you are. I am going to be feeling better for dinner tonite. I just know it! Thank you for texting me in the middle of your family visit to ask how I'm doing! Very nice.

And thank you to all the anonymous people that played my Secret Game yesterday! I love your secrets, I even stuck one in there too - anonymously of course!

I hope I get some more secrets! Keep writing - PLEASE!

This morning is rainy and gross and guess where my umbrella was hanging out?

Under my desk!

Of course, where else should it be on a rainy Wednesday morning?

Decided to treat my sick self to a cab to work. I phoned at 8:10. They said it would be kind of a wait but that the cab would call when it arrived. It is now 9:42, still haven't received the call that the cab is in front of my house. Good thing I walked in the rain to the bus stop to catch a bus that took FOREVER to get there. People on the bus hated me. I coughed all over them. Well, not all over them exactly. I am polite and covered my mouth, but I still got the looks... =)

Can you tell me this? Why is it there were four buses going against rush hour up Cambie to every one bus that came down Cambie into town? Hm? Make any sense to you? Didnt think so.

Ok, gotta get all the ketchup out of my keyboard. Dont ask.

small irritation

I am wearing one of my cutest pair of socks today. Black, with little purple and pink flowers on them.

Sadly, my big toe on my left foot has poked through.=(

Quite annoying.

...Especially because I am perfectly groomed - so there is no good reason for my toe to be cutting holes in my socks... unlike someone I know! (you know who you are!)

Today

Somebody get me out of my head today. Someone this smart really should not be given the opportunity when in self-loathing mode to twist ideas, beat oneself up, and mangle good thoughts into self-destructing, mother guilt overload. I am startled by my inability to think of a viable solution to a current problem to the point of being frozen by fear of how incompetant my good intentions, love, dedication and honest drive to be a good parent has still led me down these horrible paths that I was not able to see coming. No one has ever accused me of being dumb... so why can I not figure out a solution??

I cannot write anything sane right now because I am too busy being:

theworstfuckingmotheronearthwithnofuckingclueofwhattodonextforfearthatinfactitcanandwillikelygetworseandyesthereismorebottomafterrockbottombadparentingideas

Yo ADRIAN!

Some things I learned this weekend:

1. Do not go out of the house without your signature scent in your purse... you will never know when you will have a panic attack because you really needed it. (In case you were wondering why I smell so good - the MAC vanilla and sandlewood.)
2. Nobody really believes you when you tell them you have a shiner because you hit your face on a table.
3. I thought many times, and wrote about it in my blog that I am a loser. But really I am an unrealistic idiot. =)
4. Apparently when the occasion calls for it I can be extremely girly, giggly, fidgety, and loserish. I also have a friend who is honest enough to tell me so in the hopes that it will stop. Nope.
5. I cant drink.
6. I really cant drink.
7. But I can barf.
8. I can really barf.
9. Dennys breakfast wants to come back up.
10. Harvey's Hamburgers and white cake and icing from IGA solves it all.
11. Jen is popular with the boys at the bar even with no makeup, hair in a ponytail and lycra on!
12. She will also play fun junior high school games.
13. You can buy stripper shoes with a slot in the heel to put money in. Handy.
14. The movie "Mean Girls" is surprisingly entertaining.
15. Tina Fey is kind of hot.
16. Steel toe boots for the Habitat build - VERY hot. (Thank you Chico for those!)
17. Pretty girls on 4th avenue will still smile at me when I am hung over. (likely out of pity, but I'll take it.)
    

Pickton

I grew up in Port Coquitlam, on the other side of town from the Picktons. Everyone in town knew, or had heard of, the Pickton family.

I’ve met both of the Pickton brothers. I used to serve them (mostly the other brother) on a fairly regular basis at the local Pantry when I was in my early twenties.

I have met a lot of different people in my life and have my own ‘story of my youth’. I did dumb and dangerous things. I always thought (in my youth) that I was invincible. That nothing could touch me. I am struggling with the fact that I have looked this person in the eye, handed him a plate of food and never felt the chill that I would have hoped would have gone up my spine upon spending even one second in the presence of this kind of evil. Please, please, please let my daughter have the little angel on her shoulder that allows her to sense when she is in the presence of something or someone really bad. Let her know before she is in a situation that she needs to leave... somehow... just a nagging little budge to head on out of there...

It is astonishing to me that these women – (fifty of them!) just kept disappearing and nothing was really done about it. You can bet your ass that if that had been fifty secretaries that someone would have noticed ...

These women all had their own stories, hopes and dreams. These women were all loved by someone. They were someone’s mother, niece, lover, daughter. Each one of these women is missed terribly by someone.

Changes

Every time I turn around something or someone in my life is changing. The universe seems to want me to run along behind my life picking up the pieces of change and reassembling it to make my new life. It would be helpful if the universe would provide me with a picture of what the end result is supposed to look like. A blueprint. A hint. Anything.

My job. I am being ridiculous. Pathetic even. I miss my job. I miss working for my boss. I was comfortable there. I ran around like crazy, I was NEEDED and appreciated. Things changed and I was moved around. It was out of my control. But I’ve never missed a job like this before.

My friend. You know who you are. You are moving on. I wish, my friend, you could have done it in another way and left behind a trail of happy memories instead of the bad ones you ended it with. Even still, I feel a loss, not bitterness. I will, and do, miss you my friend.

My daughter. That incredible creature. The wind blew her in my direction for almost the entire month of December. I was mom again. The only role I really know (and want). She has moved on again and happy. Good for her.

Dating. While I was looking the other way and getting some much needed 'me' time I neglected my dating life. I got to know two people, one in particular (*sigh*) … these two amazing women ended up finding each other. Ouch. That one smarted a little. But good for you both. When two people find each other it is a good thing. =) But sheesh - EACH OTHER! =) Double ouch. I feel a small sense of loss in this.

Meeting new people. I have been lucky enough through volunteering, changes in the job to be meeting new people. This has been good for me. New people doing different things. New people with different outlooks and perspectives on life. New friends are great, a gift, but cannot replace the old ones.

Not one of these events are significant enough to make me want to hide under the covers … but slowly over tim and putting them together I feel odd, out of sorts and blue. With all this change I am having a hard time separating the real losses from the annoying little scrapes of regular life. I am almost feeling fragile. I can hear the laughter of those who know me right now... but there it is. That is how I feel. Like if I just stay away from people until my old scrapes heal...

Ah. Maybe I just need a new purpose? God, maybe I never had a purpose to begin with? Will the extra volunteering I'm doing this year give me a sense of purpose????

WHAT I REALLY NEED is a little control over the steering wheel. Or at least the illusion of it.

Possible? Dunno. Hopefully. =)

being NICE vs. being a WITCH

I keep finding myself in situations that test my niceness. It is proving to be a major flaw in my personality.

Does being 'nice' translate to other people as being vulnerable and gullible, therefore leaving myself open to all sorts of injustices and absurdities???

What makes this absolutely insufferable is how I often I think about whether or not I am being nice. As much as I may want to hang on to my pleasant persona and identity, so that I’m considered friendly and charming — IS IT WORTH IT? And can it be done keeping my pride in tact?

I read a quote or something somewhere recently that said that although it may be hard to live with the fact that one is a "witch", in the long run it saves you a lot of headache. I am feeling quite tempted to walk in these witchy footsteps and see what happens.

I just felt the prickle down my back alerting me to the peals of laughter from a few who know me and know that my personality wont allow for this change and that I'm all talk.... that makes me want to try it out all the more... =)

SOMEBODY REALLY NEEDS A SPANKING

I know this is an unpopular sentiment these days but I think we need to go back to the days where our kids got a smack on the bum now and again! Ok, I'll slow down and start over. This morning I was still feeling the remainder of a head cold so instead of walking to work I took the bus. I guess my new cellphone slipped out of my bag onto the seat of the bus and I didnt notice. Long story short the person who found it texted one of my friends and said that he had it. They arranged for me by text to pick up the phone at the Vancouver Film School at noon. Yippee, I thought, good person returning my phone. NOT.

He handed me the phone smashed into a million pieces.

Ok, deep breath, there are definately worse things in the world, but what an ass!

Living with the Ex - GRRRR

You know that moment... the one where you have decided its over but realize that you have to live under the same roof for a short period until one of you gets settled... that moment where you think that we are mature, wonderful human beings who can handle this...why, why, WHY?

Now packing the suitcase so I can couch hop for the remainder of the month.

What What What was I thinking?