Friday, August 31, 2007

my insomnia reached a whole new level of hell last night ...

I did not sleep last night.

Not for more than 45 minutes at a time anyways.

I tossed and turned and dreamt crazy, disturbing things.

To make matters worse - actually I think it may have put me to sleep for awhile - one I woke up disoriented and on my way back from the bathroom I managed to crack my head on the corner of one of the walls. The one on the right there actually... see that nice wall sticking out by the light switch? Ouch.

I do not even know what I was doing on that side of the room, I sleep on the chimney side ... however, I did learn that you actually see stars if you whack your head hard enough! Great. Good to know.

Anyways, NOT a good night. Needless to say, I am tired today so just a couple quick things for you.

First of all, I found this neat little site where you can write the next sentence of an ongoing story. I did it and thought you fellow blogging, writer friends, readers, fans and family would enjoy adding a sentence too. Just click here. Just do it. You can say you wrote a book with me. =)

Finally, and most importantly, Megan's modelling pictures have finally been sent! My daughter is GORGEOUS. I just had to share a few....

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


Today I need to be kind.

I need to be kind to myself.

I need to tell myself that my mistakes are ok. That I have learned from them. I need to explain to myself that I have done the best that I can with all that I have been given in all of the circumstances that have been handed to me. I need to forgive myself for letting myself and others down in those moments when I have not been as good or as kind or as proactive as I needed to be.

I need to forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do all of the time. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing what to do when someone else was counting on me. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do when someone else really needed me to know for sure what I was doing and make proper decisions. I need to forgive myself for not being brave when I needed to be brave. I need to forgive myself for not standing strong and firm in my beliefs.

I need to turn the kindness and empathy I feel for others on myself. I need to use the forgiveness I have had and do have for others - on myself. I would have long ago forgiven others in my life for these mistakes, wrong paths and shortcomings, why have I not forgiven myself?

I need to take it easy on my soul. I need to listen to the good things that people say to me and about me. I need to listen to those things and absorb them into my heart.

I need to go forward and trust my instincts. I need to go forward and trust that my instincts are leading me in the right direction. I need to trust that what I know and what I have learned in life will lead me to make the right decisions for me and for you. You are counting on me and I need to trust that I can do what needs to be done, and that I have taught you enough to know that you can do for yourself what needs to be done.

I need to trust myself to say no. I need to say it more often and know that I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to understand that it is ok to say no. Whenever, to whatever and whomever I need to say it to. I need to practice saying no. I need to learn not to do things for the wrong reasons. I need to learn that maybe in the moment things may feel right or ok, that a decision may feel right or ok in the moment ... but down the road, will this decision affect me, hurt me, harm me in some way?

I need to learn to love me as much as I love the people in my life. I need to respect me like I respect my loved ones.

I need to go outside and put my face in the sunshine and smile from the inside out.

If not today,

then tomorrow?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

counselling .2

I had another counselling appointment today.

I worked really hard. Talked about some tough things. I tried to be logical. I really tried to look at things with a methodical brain instead of a sensitive brain. I am tired. I am going to close my eyes and wish myself off to Fantasy Island for awhile. So if anyone is looking for me, this is where I will be:

Monday, August 27, 2007


I am still living the life of a hermit. That is just the way it is right now. My friends have been trying to contact me but I am still feeling like I want to be alone. I have a lot of thinking to do. I dont know why letting everyone back in is so hard right now. I hope it changes soon. Because of this I have not gone far but this weekend was my baby sister's 30th birthday and my mom had a party for her. There were a few old family friends that I do not get to see often so Chico drove me out there to give my sister a gift and to visit for a couple of hours. It was nice to be around familiar people who have loved us for a lifetime. People with their own stories that I can just sit and listen to. Other than that, I haven't gone far. Been on the couch watching the last of the Rome disks. Its done. What series is next? Any ideas blogging friends?

Unfortunately with being at home I do not have anything interesting to blog about, but I do have something to share with you - My daughter Megan recently did a modelling shoot for a hairdressing salon. Here is one of the photos. She is to the right of her (boy)friend Jordan.

I think they are beautiful.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

actual conversation today - kinda funny

Me (obviously, not serious): "Why are you such an ass*?" =)

Him (three guesses who): "I am not a ass*. I am just being me. The fact that society puts me in that category and labels me as an asshole is beyond my control." =)

These are the kinda serious conversations we have. Seriously. =) It is fun to have this kind of friend ... =) at least he has a good answer for everything!!

insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous
vulgar slang for anus [syn: arse]

Friday, August 24, 2007

a feast, a new hbo series, insomnia, water ponds, my nest and some pictures

My goal today: to make an effort to make this post a little lighter than those of late. I am still not feeling quite right and do not want to be around people, especially crowds and noise, and I am not wanting to talk much but I am trying hard to get back to me. I am listening to the world a lot right now. You learn a lot with your mouth closed and your ears open. I am working hard to get back to the regular, happy-go-lucky me. I have some work to do first, but I am getting there. I promise.

Chico and I have started a new HBO series. We have been through Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Big Love. We have spent many lost rainy weekends lost in one or the other of these series. I recommend each and everyone one of them. Just mentioning them makes me want to open up discussion on the rich characters in each of them. Not today though, I dont want to lose you on too long of a post!

We have now started Rome. We watched the first two episodes of the second season last night. It is not as good as Sopranos or Six Feet but I am enjoying it (warning: a lot of violence though). And after all these years I am learning Chico is more than a pretty face, he knows a whole heck of a lot about the history of Rome. Apparently he listened in history class instead of being distracted by pretty girls and basketball ... so I am lucky enough to get a running commentary of the real goings on in the history of Rome and Caesar in comparison to what they are showing in the HBO series.

Lately multi-tasking is not my best skill and therefore cooking dinner lately has been a big no-no. Example: one entire loaf of bread used to make four completely unedible pieces of french toast (Read: I am one big fire-hazard). And yes!, I used to be a good cook.

Anyways, last night along with the first two episodes of the second season of Rome I was treated to this lovely, finger food feast:

Yum. Healthy, easy, thoughtful. Thank you.

Usually I have to read awhile to fall asleep at night. I read quite a bit anyways, but a few pages of someone else's story before I go to sleep at night really helps to relax me. I have a beautiful bedroom. I live in the attic loft of an old heritage home. My bedroom has been my little haven lately. I thought I would share a couple pictures of my room:

Last night I settled into my little nest and fell asleep instantly.

I woke though at 3 a.m. I could not settle. Thoughts of recent weeks, being off work and the most recent conversation with my daughter swirled in my head. I turned on my little reading light and read the remainder of my current read, Prodigal Summer (big recommendation). I finished and put the book down satisfied with the ending. Well worth the read. Unfortunately, my brain was still alive and churning when I put the book down. I lay there, trying to still my body. My hope was that my thoughts would also settle.

My landlord designs ponds for a living and my back yard is this amazing little haven with ponds with running water, lily pads, fish and beautiful banana trees. Here is another picture for you:

As I lay there trying to still my body and mind, my bedroom window was open, I could hear the water trickling in the ponds. I turned on my stomach to look out the window and the moon was shining brightly in a clear sky.
So peaceful.
Still, I could not fall asleep, my legs were itching to move ... I got up, went downstairs, had a glass of water, a couple of tylenol, a couple of gummy bears, checked a few of your blogs (thank you all for your wonderful stories) and finally went upstairs to my nest and eventually fell into a dreamless sleep.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

and the award goes to my mom and my best friend ...

Words any girl is happy to hear and lucky enough to receive from her mom:

Please know that I am here and would be there on a moments notice.

Love you Mom

Simple, to the point, appreciated and noted.

Thanks mom


An email exchange:

Re: I stink

I guess I had better clean up before you get here. I have been lazy on my couch for days, I cannot remember when I last washed my hair.

Brilliant response:

Re: Re: I stink

I won't care ... you once threw up on my feet, did not phase me a bit ...

Now that is the love of a best friend. Almost, just almost enough, to tear me away from the blog reading, soap operas, Ellen and self pity party and go upstairs and use some soap and maybe shampoo. Toothpaste would probably be a good idea too.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

time off from life ...

The sun just came out. It has been rainy and very September-like for the last few days.

The sun shining adds to my guilt for just lying here watching Ellen and reading blogs

I am in my ugly (but comfy) green jammies with pink elephants and hearts on them, eating crackers with melted cheese and jam (blame my mom for that particular food habit!) and thinking I probably should have a shower at some point today ... It is tempting to post a pic of the particular kind of mess I look like but sorry readers, you are stuck with my usual superhero blog pic.

If it helps the visual any ... the front of my hair is pulled back like a Shih Tzu pup and when Chico sees me like this he always asks me to make the face - you know the one - bottom teeth out like the little fugly doggie. =)

Well, actually kind of like this:

***new note... I was trying to be funny by posting the pic of this dog... not my dog... apparently I'm not funny ... =) I was trying to show you all the state of my hair right now ...***

With green jammies and cracker crumbs on my shirt.

Anyways, I had a gruelling session with my counsellor yesterday. I broke down and cried like a little girl. Apparently for someone who does not feel like talking, I have an awful lot to say. Everything she said made sense, everything all the people that love me makes sense - but for the time being the logical side of my brain that sends my heart normal loving messages is broken and while that is happening, I just want to be home and alone. So today is a "me" day. There has been a lot of those lately and there are going to be a few more in the next few weeks. Whatever it takes.

I have realized lately and think I can understand and relate to how a once social person could suddenly become a hermit - If someone gave me a sailboat right now (and I knew how to sail!) -

In my internet travels today I came across a blog called Wannabe.

Her blog caught my eye today because of a quote:

Dont borrow someone else's spectacles to view yourself.

Simon Travaglia

The quote struck me because the process of seeing myself through loving eyes again has been a hard fight.

I know it will happen.

It will just take some time.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

a serious discussion on weight and insanity

Kelly: "Chico, I think I have lost weight."

Chico: "Well ... how much did your marbles weigh?"

... that was yesterday and it is still making me chuckle ... =)

Friday, August 17, 2007


I am still doing my best to avoid people.

The phone is off. The loft door is closed.

I haven't gone much farther than my couch in days.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with my counsellor. I am seeing a counsellor because my anxiety is unmanageable at the moment and I recognize that I need to talk to someone outside of my family and friends. I am feeling ridiculous and silly and a bunch of other negative things. Unfortunately, the thought of talking, being out and about and running into people raises my anxiety level so getting out the door to visit her office is a chore in itself.

What happened to the strong capable woman I was?

I walked into the counsellor's office and the first thing I thought was - please just let the receptionist take my money and hand me my receipt and let me sit down quietly.

Please do not talk to me.

I do not feel like making nice today.

My heart is pounding. My hand is a little numb.

I felt guilty for those thoughts. She is a nice old lady. Friendly, outgoing, cheery with a "receptionist" personality. I instantly feel like a bitch because I do not want to respond to her inane comments about the weather, Vancouver or how lovely the quotes posted around the reception are. These feelings automatically start my heart pumping and my anxiety goes up - the exact opposite effect I am trying to achieve by seeing a counsellor. It is a strange, foreign feeling to have regular interactions cause such an uproar in my system.

The counsellor floats in to tell me she is ready. Everything about her is soothing. Her hair, her skin, the way she speaks, dresses, moves. She is olive. Her skin is olive, her clothing is olive coloured... her walls in her office are an earthy colour. Everything about her seems organic.

It is lovely in her inner office. Pillows, water fountain, mood lighting. She sits back in her chair, pillow in her lap and her feet on a stool. Every movement she makes is fluid. One movement seamlessly runs into another. I wonder if she practices this. Does she know this is calming?

I sink into the couch and she asks me what I am thinking.

"I dont want to talk. I'm sorry."

That is all I can think of to say.

She asks me to try and tell her something simple about the last week. Events, non-events. Anything I want.

I find myself relaying the events of the last few days since my last visit. It is not as if I have nothing to say. It felt as though I was talking about someone else. None of these things happened to me. None of these feelings are going through my heart. I am talking about someone else. I am not emotional like I was last time. Ther are no tears. I am just telling a story.

Except my heart is pounding in my ears. I can no longer pretend I am not talking of me. I feel guilty for most of what I am telling her. I have no good reason to be this down, this anxious, this sad. The guilt is a problem. There isn't much these days that doesn't make me feel guilty or inadequate on some level. I am feeling silly, weak. Ridiculous.

She notices me twisting my feet and wringing my hands.

She suggests a relaxation, breathing exercise.

This makes my heart pound.

My reaction is visible to her.

She says "What do you think?"

I tell her the thought of relaxing on cue makes me anxious. I smile weakly and feel embarassed to be telling her something (else) so ridiculous.

She asks me to close my eyes.

To concentrate on breathing through my nose.

She says Kelly - try and clear your thoughts (!)

Instantly I panic as fourteen new thoughts pop into my head. None of which are entirely positive.

She instructs me to take deeper breaths. From my stomach. To my stomach. Something about my stomach.

She tells me to keep trying to clear my mind, my worries, my thoughts, to think about nothing but my breathing.

This is not possible.

The more I try not to think, the less this seems possible.

I think of the voices of the women giggling in the hallway. I wish they would go away. Then I feel bad for thinking that. I seem to be increasingly irritated by other people and noise. The world is so damned loud.

There are doorknobs turning, office noises, people talking... I heard none of these things when I came into the office. They were barely audible then. But now that I am to be thinking of nothing - every sound feels like it is directly beside my ear. Like someone turned up my hearing aid a notch or two. None of these sounds feel like they are coming from their real origin, outside the door, down the hall, or outside.

She tells me to think of somewhere nice.

Somewhere that made me happy.

My mind instantly flies to the Cecil with Chico.

I think this counselling thing is going to be a slow process if being at the strippers with Chico is the 'happy' thought I go to on command ...

Maybe I'm crazier than I thought.

Or human?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

shhhh ....

The world is a loud place for me right now. Every noise seems to be coming from right inside my head.

This post is a difficult one for me to write for several reasons... Two of which are my privacy and that of my loved ones. I have been going back and forth and starting drafts and trying to decide whether or not to write about the past week or two. I have some incredibly personal things that I would like to write about but need to do it in a way where I feel comfortable.

Bottom line - I need to write.

Last Monday I hit a wall.

I think this wall was fast approaching and I was busy pretending that I was somehow going to make it around it. Dodge it somehow. I thought I would keep moving forward and there would always be somewhere for me to run to, squash my fears, my feelings of inadequacy and the pain I carry around with me. But when your brain decides there is a limit, there is not much you can do about it.

I have been recognizing for some time now that I am not feeling quite right. I have been through some things. I know what you are thinking - we all have.

And yes, we all have.

A good portion of you have been through more than I could imagine or bear.

For about five years there has been some really tough family issues for me. I cannot and will not write the specifics but I have been forced to make decisions a mother should not have to make. I am not the type of woman who makes these types of decisions without thought or heartache. I agonize over the what ifs, the if onlys and the if I had done it the other ways ...I constantly beat myself up over, and replay events, conversations and decisions in my head. Being a mother is the most important job I could have. I have always felt that I could do all kinds of good in the world and that if I screw up my child's life that it would all be for nothing. I take the duties/job/miracle of being a parent very seriously.

Throughout these family issues, no matter what happened the night before, I would get up in the morning, slip on my shoes, plaster the Kelly smile on my face and put one foot in front of the other and just do what had to be done. I knew there were mothers going through worse things and thought to myself that it could be worse. Sometimes it got worse. I worked as usual. I kept up friendships, loves. I lost friendships, I lost loves. I kept doing what I thought to be the right things, going out, reading, volunteering, playing, working, whatever it took to live my life productively. Whatever it took to make myself feel useful and needed. I recognize(d) that everyone has problems, issues (hard issues, life and death issues) and that overall my life is good. I have people around me who love me, a roof over my head and a job that I like. I have a life. And all I have to do is live it.

A few weeks ago (maybe longer) I started to see myself differently. My mind was allowing thoughts that were (are) negative and hurtful. I felt and feel vulnerable and anxious. Sleep has been tough. I felt myself wanting to avoid people. I became more and more sensitive to the world around me. I recognized I needed a break, a holiday, some 'me' time. I tried to get that, but something always got in the way. Then some life events happened that were hurtful. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I think it likely my camel's back was already breaking or broken and I was ignoring that fact.

Life can be a messy business. That cannot be avoided.

Instead of having a good cry and taking a step back and 'handling' things as usual, I started to doubt myself and my place in the world and my place in the lives of the people I care about. I had always been able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me ...

Then the doubts set in further and events chipped away at me when I was already feeling weak.

I was not feeling right and I knew it. I stopped liking the person I saw staring back at me from the mirror.

I reached out. I really did. I tried to explain that I am hurt and sad and not feeling right. I tried to say, to tell you (and you) that I was no longer hearing positive messages, that I was falling.

Then an odd thing happened. The people that I chose to turn to, the ones that I thought I had loved and nurtured were not there when I needed them. I do not know if they did not understand how far it had gone, or if the way I was asking was not pretty. Maybe they were just used to me being strong? That is about when the bottom of the wall flew up and hit me. I was done.

To not go into any further personal detail and to shorten this up a bit I will tell you where I am at now.

I am off work, likely until next Tuesday. I have learned who my real friends are.

I love you dearly for driving here and not leaving until I let you in. I love you for not taking no for an answer. I love you for just being quiet with me and not making me feel silly for falling. You are my anchor. I thank you for that.

I have learned just how important my family is and how they will always be there for you, even when they are facing their own scary things.

I hope that writing this helps just one of you out there that may have been reaching a limit of your own.

Listen to your head and to your heart.

Look after yourself.

Take the breaks that you need.

Have a tantrum (safe one) if you need to.

Talk to your friends and family before you fall.

And dont judge yourself too harshly.

You are human.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

day one of pride down

Got home just before five!

Am so tired.

Am feeling a little blue.

A lot blue.

Tried to dance it out of my skin last night.

Tried to run it out of my skin last night.

Sat at the ocean at 4:00 in the morning to get some perspective.

Something happened yesterday morning when I got home from camping that I was just not expecting.

Why is it when you are all happy and content you get blindsided by reality? My little heart is just so sensitive.

I am hurting.

Thankfully as we speak, my beautiful little brazilian friend Sam is packing a bag. She is going to hold my hand, sleep in my loft and celebrate the beautiful women of Vancouver with me this weekend.

Sam, my little band aid.

Thank god for friends.

Friday, August 03, 2007

im back

Hey everyone. I'm back from holidays!

What a riot!

Had a little kick in the ass this morning so I am smarting a little ... but it is Pride Weekend in Vancouver and I am going to get all prettied up and go out and party with my friends. I am thinking that losing myself in all the beautiful women of Vancouver should soothe my poor little bum!

I promise to write about my adventures away when I get a chance!

Thanks for all your comments while I was gone.

I.FEEL.LOVED. Thanks guys!