Wednesday, January 31, 2007

When Stuff Happens (and not the Good, Easy Stuff)

So the bottom fell out of my daughter’s world early this week.

My daughter has not taken the ‘average’ teenager’s path. Could we not have left it at smoking, boys, and missing curfew?? I have seen it all with her (gosh, please let this be all) and some days it really just gets down to the basics - which is this - thank goodness she is safe. I remember the first time I caught her smoking and thought it was such a big deal - and before I get the other mothers' eye rolls - yes, I know it is a big deal, but in the big scheme of things - if I had known what was to come, I would have saved that particular spike in blood pressure for events that were to come at me in the future. The real events, where lives could have been altered, changed - hurt. To preserve my Lovely’s reputation I will not go into detail. She is an amazing, beautiful creature with a huge heart. And she is on the right path now. What I want to do and what I am writing for today is to comment on the people in my life who are there for me when I need them. I gain such strength when I need it from you (you know who you are). It doesn’t seem to matter what I need in that moment… a shoulder to cry on, inappropriate stories to make me laugh out loud (FIRE ESCAPE - YOU know who YOU are!), a nod of encouragement, non-judgmental attitude, the ability to hold my secrets (and my daughters secrets) in confidence, food, booze, buttertarts, WHATEVER. You were there. These beautiful women are my friends and I am blessed with these great friends and a wonderful, solid family who support me. And because of these people when I face my daughter and she needs my strength I have it to give her. I manage to pull the right words and comfort out and am able to be what she needs (or so she tells me). This doesn't come from my own strength alone this comes from the mostly she-village that surrounds me.


Sunday, January 28, 2007

Shopping Anyone? =)

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love Vancouver!

I got up this morning and put on my workout clothes and started my walk to the gym. Five minutes into my walk, the ocean started calling me to come for a visit ... So much for the gym! And yes, I really was going to the gym! Really. Really. =)

Anyways, I kept walking. Right on past the gym and down under the Cambie Street bridge. I spent a half hour on a park bench at Spyglass Aquabus dock saying hello to all the cute doggies walking their silly humans. The sounds, the smell of the ocean. I feel good. Really good. I am one lucky girl to live this close to the ocean. After meeting a few dogs (and their owners) I continued my walk - Up and over the bridge - WHAT A VIEW!

... Then something bad happened ... I dont know if it was the salt air, the PMS, or what, but the shopping bug hit me! Hard ...

I am not usually a big shopper and have trouble spending money on myself. NOT TODAY! Two pairs of dress pants, a picture for the loft, a martini shaker for a friend and a new inspirational calendar (all in the matter of an hour) ... and I'M BROKE. Truth be known, I was broke before I started. oops. But my, wont I look pretty at work this week?

Tata for now.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Honourable Mention

Someone I know wants to be mentioned in my blog, good or bad. Ha, well there you go. Consider yourself mentioned! For further reference .... if you want to be front page news on nerdgirlsspace you must either:

1. Provide a juicy photo.

2. Do something worth gossiping about.

3. Provide me with a rant.

4. Do something for me so freaking fabulous for me that I want to brag about it....

5. (This one is not recommended!) Do something to me that upsets or hurts me - that is a surefire way to get mentioned! =)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


I grew up in Port Coquitlam, on the other side of town from the Picktons. Everyone in town knew, or had heard of, the Pickton family.

I’ve met both of the Pickton brothers. I used to serve them (mostly the other brother) on a fairly regular basis at the local Pantry when I was in my early twenties.

I have met a lot of different people in my life and have my own ‘story of my youth’. I did dumb and dangerous things. I always thought (in my youth) that I was invincible. That nothing could touch me. I am struggling with the fact that I have looked this person in the eye, handed him a plate of food and never felt the chill that I would have hoped would have gone up my spine upon spending even one second in the presence of this kind of evil. Please, please, please let my daughter have the little angel on her shoulder that allows her to sense when she is in the presence of something or someone really bad. Let her know before she is in a situation that she needs to leave... somehow... just a nagging little budge to head on out of there...

It is astonishing to me that these women – (fifty of them!) just kept disappearing and nothing was really done about it. You can bet your ass that if that had been fifty secretaries that someone would have noticed ...

These women all had their own stories, hopes and dreams. These women were all loved by someone. They were someone’s mother, niece, lover, daughter. Each one of these women is missed terribly by someone.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Pajama Parade

So I've been sick the last few days. All I have wanted to do when I get home is stick on the jammies, have someone throw food down my throat and watch trash tv. I know, I know, doesn't sound much different than my normal 'unsick' life does it???

Well, I've been staying downstairs in Chico's suite the last few nights while I am sick. I get fed, channel surf on the big screen and act like a big baby... I get home from work, shower, throw the front of the hair in a little clip like a Shih Tzu and put on the ugliest pair of pajamas (usually unmatching tops to bottoms), an old housecoat and my big gumboots and head downstairs. It has gotten to the point where I make my grand entrance looking like a crazy lady and Chico does his chuckle, teases me, checks out the outfit and then gets his stinky blanket and pillow for me on the couch ... last night he even took some pics to remember the trainwreck I was - NO THEY WILL NOT BE POSTED... =)

I hope I feel better soon. I have two volunteering meetings next week. One of them to do the work I want to do I have to convince them that everything is in order in my own life... =) To which Chico's comment was "Try to avoid wearing the crazy lady pajama outfit..."

Um - you think so??

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Cant keep a girl down for long! (does that sound dirty?)

Ha! Well, all those changes happened or are in the process of happening and I am still here! Nobody died, nobody lost an eye. I'm still kicking and better than ever! Except... for the small head cold problem that feels like the snot in my brain is trying to push through my eyeballs! Ugh and Yuck! Yes, I know, gross!

I am sitting at work, in my new desk listening to Blue Rodeo greatest hits (they actually have their own radio on the website that plays all Blue Rodeo, all the time - I know further proof I am a loser) anyways... back to my thought.... In my new desk and thinking well ok, you are surviving the ups and downs and changes - BUT WHAT NOW?! Actually, I am more than surviving. ... I am simply on fire at work. A fricken genius really. =) =) Seriously, if I cannot toot my own horn - who will?

Ok, I'm done. Have a great day.

ps Thanks Jasmine (Jen's sister) for your lovely comments. I am enjoying your blog too. Very much. KEEP UPDATING! Looking forward to hearing about your Bhangra lessons with Jen... nothing better than a little 'lightbulb dance' to brighten your day! Remind me to tell you about New Years 2005 - serious lightbulb dance experience!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


Every time I turn around something or someone in my life is changing. The universe seems to want me to run along behind my life picking up the pieces of change and reassembling it to make my new life. It would be helpful if the universe would provide me with a picture of what the end result is supposed to look like. A blueprint. A hint. Anything.

My job. I am being ridiculous. Pathetic even. I miss my job. I miss working for my boss. I was comfortable there. I ran around like crazy, I was NEEDED and appreciated. Things changed and I was moved around. It was out of my control. But I’ve never missed a job like this before.

My friend. You know who you are. You are moving on. I wish, my friend, you could have done it in another way and left behind a trail of happy memories instead of the bad ones you ended it with. Even still, I feel a loss, not bitterness. I will, and do, miss you my friend.

My daughter. That incredible creature. The wind blew her in my direction for almost the entire month of December. I was mom again. The only role I really know (and want). She has moved on again and happy. Good for her.

Dating. While I was looking the other way and getting some much needed 'me' time I neglected my dating life. I got to know two people, one in particular (*sigh*) … these two amazing women ended up finding each other. Ouch. That one smarted a little. But good for you both. When two people find each other it is a good thing. =) But sheesh - EACH OTHER! =) Double ouch. I feel a small sense of loss in this.

Meeting new people. I have been lucky enough through volunteering, changes in the job to be meeting new people. This has been good for me. New people doing different things. New people with different outlooks and perspectives on life. New friends are great, a gift, but cannot replace the old ones.

Not one of these events are significant enough to make me want to hide under the covers … but slowly over tim and putting them together I feel odd, out of sorts and blue. With all this change I am having a hard time separating the real losses from the annoying little scrapes of regular life. I am almost feeling fragile. I can hear the laughter of those who know me right now... but there it is. That is how I feel. Like if I just stay away from people until my old scrapes heal...

Ah. Maybe I just need a new purpose? God, maybe I never had a purpose to begin with? Will the extra volunteering I'm doing this year give me a sense of purpose????

WHAT I REALLY NEED is a little control over the steering wheel. Or at least the illusion of it.

Possible? Dunno. Hopefully. =)

Monday, January 08, 2007

Fall on Your Knees

Final proof I'm a bit of a loser....

I am on the bus this morning and see this girl. Beautiful long hair, nice skin... anyways... ahem not the point.

She was reading Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald. I looked at the cover of the book and her face while she was reading and remembered everything I felt when I read that book. I was dying to ask her what part she was at ... Did she get that rock in the pit of her stomach when she reads parts of this story ... Nope, cant be a normal girl and just check her out ... want to know how she feels about the book she is reading. Her thoughts and opinions.

Shaking my head ... seriously ... Embarassed to be me. =) Maybe I should join a book club and buy ten cats??

Sunday, January 07, 2007

quote =)

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

So there. Just go for it.

Friday, January 05, 2007


I just had a conversation with a woman at work. A friend. She is this amazing woman, married forever, two teenage kids. Very strong. Very good at what she does at work and a very loving, strong, capable mother.

She told me a story today that broke my heart and made me want to hug Meg and not let her go.

She is a good mom who prefers to drive her children to and from anywhere they go. They are good kids and dont mind this ... she worries about them and wants them safe. Normal mom stuff.

Her son was at work the other night and she told her husband that she was going for a run and to pick up their son from work when he calls. The father told the son to walk home. Three blocks from home her son was jumped. Five boys got him on the ground and kicked him in the head and body. If it was not for a car driving by and the headlights shining on her boy's face who knows how far that would have gone.

I felt my knees go weak when she told me. I am one of those worriers who assumes because I think in advance about all the possible horrors that these bad things wont happen. ...

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A New Year

My journey so far has been filled with my face in the sunshine, smiling like crazy with my feet in the air leaping for joy, my knees and tears on the ground begging for help, and everything in between. My resolve this year:

Today, I may not be able to end all the suffering going on in the world, but today I can treat others better than I did yesterday. It is a start.

Be Kind....Pass It On.

Monday, January 01, 2007