Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Monday, May 28, 2007


Ok folks, I found a book. I need help! Tell me what you know, anything you know about Dante's Inferno.

Ok, smarty pants - teach me! =)

Thursday, May 24, 2007

my anchor continued ...

My anchor broke out of the mud at the bottom of the pit.

I cant quite see it yet ... soon, very soon... I believe it is starting to surface

I may have to clean the muck off it a bit ... but, as usual, I am more than willing to make that effort.

Looking forward to pulling up the final few links of the chain tonite. See you soon.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


i am a lucky woman

to have known Michael Edward Killingsworth.

My dad.

Fifteen years ago today he died of cancer.

My mom met him when I was a little girl. They fell in love. Married. I attended that wedding. I think I was five. Then my dad chose to be my father. He adopted me.

Because it was a choice it means more to me than if he had been my biological father. He chose to have me in his life, put up with my teenage years, guide me, and to unconditionally love me in moments I suspect I was very hard to love. This meant and does mean the world to me. I have and never will forget that I was lucky enough to have those years with him.

This man had qualities that I want to emulate in my adult life. Thinking of him makes me want to be a better person. He taught me life lessons that help me out every day of my life. On many occasions when I am making tough decisions I think "What advice would my dad give me?". It is funny how that one question can and has cleared up so many confusions for me.

I am sad that he is gone - but thankful for the gift that he was.

We all miss you.


Just not liking this word.

Missing. Weird word. For when you are missing someone they are really not missing, they are just not here.

I know, dont say it... I'm making no sense again. Perhaps I need some sleep? =)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

i have lost my anchor ...

Any chance you could pull him out of the muck, shake him off and push him in my direction??

thank you

for delivering Megan's things to her.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

long distance ...

Have you attempted this?

I have.


One time I moved there and another time she moved here.

Neither was a good idea.

I tend to spend my time running away from something rather than towards it. Makes life a little more difficult I guess.

Any thoughts people?

Its raining out and me and my bud are going to get DRUNK. In 45 MINUTES! I'm counting the minutes to shooterville!

Friday, May 18, 2007


By Jodi Picoult

I wish I could take credit for this line in the book:

"Making love with her was a bit like waking up one morning to discover the color green. You saw it in the grass and the trees and the road signs and you could not imagine that you had spent so many years of your life in the absence of this hue, which seemed to make the rest of the world fall into place."

Thursday, May 17, 2007


I went to a concert last night at the Orpheum

Listen here.

Amazing. Beautiful. Would definately see her again.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

song sent to me today ... lovely


if i should die this very moment
i wouldn't fear
for i've never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
or it might burst
could we stay right here
'til the end of time, 'til the earth stops turning
wanna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited for
all this time i've loved you
and never known your face
all this time i've missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here'til the end of time,
'til the earth stops turning
gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited forthe one
i've waited for
all i've known
all i've done
all i've felt was leading to this
all i've known
all i've done
all i've felt was leading to this
wanna stay right here
'til the end of time,
'til the earth stops turning
gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited for
the one i've waited for
wanna stay right here'til the end of time,
'til the earth stops turning
gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
i've found the one i've waited for
the one i've waited for
the one i've waited for...


Have you ever stumbled across something ... felt like you had found something ... you had no idea you were looking for?

Monday, May 14, 2007

trust me on this one ...


"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Friday, May 11, 2007

a fleeting feeling ... quick hold on before it goes away again ...

Yesterday I made a huge decision. A decision I have struggled with off and on for more years than I care to admit. I did a pro-con list again and this time it worked. I realized I am only hurting myself to not let it go. And I did it. I struggled with this decision, executed it and left work early to get it out of my system. I cried and walked and played a bit and just let myself feel it.

I woke this morning raw. Like I have fought the battle of life and was rewarded by my love. You know that feeling just after making love?

..when all your breathing feels gracious?

When you feel you have mapped out somewhere no one else has been. You can feel it in your chest, your toes tingle and your skin is raw.

Was that your lavender breath in my hair?

Here is a little something else. My favourite poem. I wanted to share it again.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

no more oral???!

Well this just isn't good news. =)

could somebody please make me a little bit ...

less female?


Update: Received two emails about this post ... Yikes! Ok, let me clarify.

Love being a girl. Love girls. Dont want to be a man. =) Ew. Hair.


What I would like to change:

My stomach hurts. I have stomach cramps. They suck. I want to go home. Right now.

I am vulnerable. Most boys just aren't like that. Vulnerability leaves you open to all kinds of ridiculous conversations, encounters and situations. Unecessary ones. When you interact with others you get scraped. Often. When you are vulnerable the scrapes sting. I dont really want to sting. Not even a little bit.

Giving birth. Because of this miracle my heart now resides on the outside of my body with a seventeen (almost eighteen) year old. You cannot even imagine the danger my heart is in.

Women see situations different then men. Obviously. A man and a woman can be in the exact same situation at the exact same time, hearing the exact same thing and each will see, hear and feel something different. Actually, I guess my point is a woman will feel it and a man will just take it in, process it and do what he needs to do.

And this one.

This one may just be me and have absolutely nothing at all to do with being female. At the first sign (usually) of something that can cause me to hurt - my very first instinct is to run like hell.

And not look back.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

this really pisses me off ... humans can be so ugly

See front page of the Province today - Horrific!

The picture caught my eye and made my heart pound and my eyes water.

The story broke my heart.

Auntie Carole dont read it or you will own twenty more dogs! =)


I will be 38 years old this year. My beautiful daughter will be 18 next month.

I am getting up there. Aging. Getting older. More mature. Ok, probably not that. I am pretty much who I am ever going to be... did that make sense? Not really, but whatever.

I do not actually worry too much about getting older. My mom tells me that each decade gets better and better. She is having a blast in her fifties!

I am getting 'life lines', a few real wrinkles (that pesky one between my brows!), my body has changed, and quite honestly I am having to pluck more often and in a wider range of areas than before!

I know, not attractive, not what you wanted to hear or know about me, but there it is!

I have been growing the natural colour back out in my hair. Apparently, my hair is a dark auburn. I did not remember that. It is also sprinkled in the crown with a little gray now.

I am ok with all of this. Really.

As long as I'm healthy, I am ok with all of this. And the McGriddles seem to be doing their job for me healthwise ... =)

My problem is this:

If I have to have the laugh lines, wrinkles, extra hair and body changes - why in the heck do I still have to put up with zits. Blemishes. My face breaking out??!?

It just doesn't seem fair.

Monday, May 07, 2007

breathless . . .

What is the point of having a heart if you aren't going to allow it to race once in awhile? =)

Friday, May 04, 2007

the love of my life ...

Being Megan's mama has been the single most important event in my life. Being a single parent has been the single hardest struggle in my life. Worth every moment of uncertainty. But nonetheless, a struggle.

Being Megan's mama has brought me the most happiness, fulfillment, pain and heartache than any other single event in my life.
I dont expect another event or person to touch my life like my daughter has.
I dont expect to ever love another human being as I love her.
Because I had her so young she was the beginning of the story of my journey into adulthood.
Having her started shaping the human being I am today. I have never been an adult without her. I have grown up with her.
I have made so many mistakes. Too numerous to count or apologize for. I continue to make them. This has been a 17 year learning process. No one makes me feel more human than Megan does.
I was only nineteen when she was born. Only a year and a bit older than she is now. I was a baby. I loved her from the first second I knew I was pregnant.
My first ultrasound was on Valentines day. I cried. I was scared. I wanted her so badly.

Her name was to be Christina. Christina Marie. She ended up as Megan Marie. When I was pregnant with her I watched a show called Nightingales. The main character in the show had a daughter named Megan.
When she was born she had these big blue, almost purple eyes. She smiled a lot. She was a happy baby. I would put her in her snugly and carry her close to my chest all day long. She would tilt her head back and smile up at me. I loved her breath. That beautiful baby breath. Those gums, eyes, skin and baby hair. I was and am so in love.
I wasn't prepared for the journey. I wasn't prepared to have my heart live outside of my body. But truthfully that is where it resides. With her. Every step she takes, she takes me with her. When she is happy, I am happy, when she feels pain, I am in pain. When she is mad, I understand and am angry right along with her. When she is in love, I remember being a teenager in love. My life goal is to shield and protect her from a harsh life. To remind her to be kind to herself and others. To live. Please live. Really really live. Dont wait. Dont struggle to much, it wont mean anything down the road. So please listen to mama, just live. Ok?

Isn't she absolutely beautiful???

in need of some sugar ...

No McGriddle this morning. Am not happy about my decision. What am I supposed to eat? And dont you DARE say bran or some other such crap! Hm, the grumpies are setting in.

Paul, you said you were buying lunch! Expect it to be a big one, I'm going to be HUNGRY!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

i think this is beautiful

"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

you can get away with calling me a lot of things but this one burned my ass ...

I am a what? pardon me - but did i just hear you correctly? asshole. fucking asshole.

Yes, friends, you heard it right, I'm swearing. Out loud.

Ok, every morning I go to McDonalds at Library Square to get my McGriddles. It makes me happy, its what I do, its my little routine. I've been doing it since last summer. Seriously, EVERY morning!

Each morning I wait in line behind about twenty homeless guys using their government vouchers to get their breakfast. McDonalds is jammed packed with these guys swearing and coughing and making their little deals etc. This has been going on for months. Some of them are very friendly and I say hello to those ones. One even gave me a cellphone cover. See story here.

I'll admit it (hate mail be damned, I'm not scared of your comments!) - some mornings I find it a little (a lot) annoying to be standing in a long line up waiting for these guys to get their 14th coffee refill when they are headed ... um ... nowhere and I need to get to my office.

Today. Argh today.

I could actually see my fist (yes, Chico my nerdy fist) flying across the space between me and this guy and punching him square in the nose... ASSHOLE.

As I was rushing by him and the fourteen others standing outside smoking their morning joint he caught my eye and decided (I think he was trying to flirt) to blow a cloud of smoke in my face. Arriving at the LAWFIRM I work in smelling like pot is not exactly couture, so I made a face and ducked away from him - only.to. hear. him. do the: "fakecoughingwhorething"!!!


Do you even know what whore means?

Here, let me give you a clue:

a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet. –verb (used without object)
to act as a whore.
to consort with whores. –verb (used with object)
Obsolete. to make a whore of; corrupt; debauch.

Ok, now that I read these, I am not exactly innocent per say. But I am certainly not currently a whore by definition.

I am quite positive though that you are a lazynogoodfuckingasshole.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

people who care and stupid cab company and stupid transit ...

Thank you for surprise visiting me last night! I know you had your own work things going on. Thank you for coming over anyways. Thank you for asking about the latest Megan worries and thank you for not wincing when I asked you to look at the back of my throat with my sick breath. You are a superstar!

And You. You know who you are. I am going to be feeling better for dinner tonite. I just know it! Thank you for texting me in the middle of your family visit to ask how I'm doing! Very nice.

And thank you to all the anonymous people that played my Secret Game yesterday! I love your secrets, I even stuck one in there too - anonymously of course!

I hope I get some more secrets! Keep writing - PLEASE!

This morning is rainy and gross and guess where my umbrella was hanging out?

Under my desk!

Of course, where else should it be on a rainy Wednesday morning?

Decided to treat my sick self to a cab to work. I phoned at 8:10. They said it would be kind of a wait but that the cab would call when it arrived. It is now 9:42, still haven't received the call that the cab is in front of my house. Good thing I walked in the rain to the bus stop to catch a bus that took FOREVER to get there. People on the bus hated me. I coughed all over them. Well, not all over them exactly. I am polite and covered my mouth, but I still got the looks... =)

Can you tell me this? Why is it there were four buses going against rush hour up Cambie to every one bus that came down Cambie into town? Hm? Make any sense to you? Didnt think so.

Ok, gotta get all the ketchup out of my keyboard. Dont ask.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


I'm hurting.

It started out as a little itch in the back of my throat around 8 pm.

9 pm it became sore on the left side.

10 pm I am really hurting - both sides.

11 pm the whining starts. Oh oh.

I really hurt. Fix it.

Please fix it.

Woke up at one, two, three, four. I was still hurting. Moved to couch. Cannot make my hurt go away. =(

I have a silly idea to take my mind off it today. ... Please tell me a SECRET! Anonymously in the comments section. All.of.you. PLEASE. I will put one in there myself (anonymously). I'll let one of my secrets out there on blogland... so please please please (cue whiny voice) play along!