Friday, May 04, 2007

the love of my life ...

Being Megan's mama has been the single most important event in my life. Being a single parent has been the single hardest struggle in my life. Worth every moment of uncertainty. But nonetheless, a struggle.

Being Megan's mama has brought me the most happiness, fulfillment, pain and heartache than any other single event in my life.
I dont expect another event or person to touch my life like my daughter has.
I dont expect to ever love another human being as I love her.
Because I had her so young she was the beginning of the story of my journey into adulthood.
Having her started shaping the human being I am today. I have never been an adult without her. I have grown up with her.
I have made so many mistakes. Too numerous to count or apologize for. I continue to make them. This has been a 17 year learning process. No one makes me feel more human than Megan does.
I was only nineteen when she was born. Only a year and a bit older than she is now. I was a baby. I loved her from the first second I knew I was pregnant.
My first ultrasound was on Valentines day. I cried. I was scared. I wanted her so badly.

Her name was to be Christina. Christina Marie. She ended up as Megan Marie. When I was pregnant with her I watched a show called Nightingales. The main character in the show had a daughter named Megan.
When she was born she had these big blue, almost purple eyes. She smiled a lot. She was a happy baby. I would put her in her snugly and carry her close to my chest all day long. She would tilt her head back and smile up at me. I loved her breath. That beautiful baby breath. Those gums, eyes, skin and baby hair. I was and am so in love.
I wasn't prepared for the journey. I wasn't prepared to have my heart live outside of my body. But truthfully that is where it resides. With her. Every step she takes, she takes me with her. When she is happy, I am happy, when she feels pain, I am in pain. When she is mad, I understand and am angry right along with her. When she is in love, I remember being a teenager in love. My life goal is to shield and protect her from a harsh life. To remind her to be kind to herself and others. To live. Please live. Really really live. Dont wait. Dont struggle to much, it wont mean anything down the road. So please listen to mama, just live. Ok?

Isn't she absolutely beautiful???


Anonymous said...

As a mama myself I had a tear reading this. She is beautiful. When I had my little girl it hit me how much my Mother loves me. Boom, right in the face. I had no idea how strong it was. Suddenly all the overprotecting made sense. It was and still is overwhelming. The depth, conviction, knowing you would kill or die for this other person no questions asked. And it's true, she does have your heart. Mine says I have hers as well so she gave me a symbol of it. Why else would I wear such a girly necklace. :) B

Anonymous said...

i'm not even a mom, and this choked me up...


Yes she is, just like her beautiful mama. And if she's anything like her mama, and I know she is, she'll be alright.

Lindsey said...

Awwww. That was really really sweet. You know I've been weepy all week and this just made me well up again. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this made me tear up. What a beautiful post.

KellyNerd said...

ladies. lovely ladies... thanks for the supportive, positive comments... mwuah!

Anonymous said...

She is absolutely stunning. You are one lucky mama.