time off from life ...

The sun just came out. It has been rainy and very September-like for the last few days.

The sun shining adds to my guilt for just lying here watching Ellen and reading blogs all.day.long.

I am in my ugly (but comfy) green jammies with pink elephants and hearts on them, eating crackers with melted cheese and jam (blame my mom for that particular food habit!) and thinking I probably should have a shower at some point today ... It is tempting to post a pic of the particular kind of mess I look like but sorry readers, you are stuck with my usual superhero blog pic.

If it helps the visual any ... the front of my hair is pulled back like a Shih Tzu pup and when Chico sees me like this he always asks me to make the face - you know the one - bottom teeth out like the little fugly doggie. =)

Well, actually kind of like this:

***new note... I was trying to be funny by posting the pic of this dog... not my dog... apparently I'm not funny ... =) I was trying to show you all the state of my hair right now ...***



With green jammies and cracker crumbs on my shirt.

Anyways, I had a gruelling session with my counsellor yesterday. I broke down and cried like a little girl. Apparently for someone who does not feel like talking, I have an awful lot to say. Everything she said made sense, everything all the people that love me makes sense - but for the time being the logical side of my brain that sends my heart normal loving messages is broken and while that is happening, I just want to be home and alone. So today is a "me" day. There has been a lot of those lately and there are going to be a few more in the next few weeks. Whatever it takes.

I have realized lately and think I can understand and relate to how a once social person could suddenly become a hermit - If someone gave me a sailboat right now (and I knew how to sail!) - I.would.be.outta.here.all.by.myself. Just.me.and.some.books.

In my internet travels today I came across a blog called Wannabe.

Her blog caught my eye today because of a quote:

Dont borrow someone else's spectacles to view yourself.

Simon Travaglia

The quote struck me because the process of seeing myself through loving eyes again has been a hard fight.

I know it will happen.

It will just take some time.

I wish I could take credit for this

No matter how you choose to define it.

It is you.

For you:

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you.

The blind would stumble
certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back.

This ankle.

You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you before marriage
never touch you -- your keen nosed mother,
your rough brothers.

I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.

You climbed the bank and said
this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.

And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.
and knew
what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamonpeeler's wife.

Smell me.

... funny ...

Saw a button today:

"God was my copilot but we crashed and I had to eat him!"

tee hee

Mercy

By Jodi Picoult

I wish I could take credit for this line in the book:

"Making love with her was a bit like waking up one morning to discover the color green. You saw it in the grass and the trees and the road signs and you could not imagine that you had spent so many years of your life in the absence of this hue, which seemed to make the rest of the world fall into place."

trust me on this one ...

Quote:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

a fleeting feeling ... quick hold on before it goes away again ...

Yesterday I made a huge decision. A decision I have struggled with off and on for more years than I care to admit. I did a pro-con list again and this time it worked. I realized I am only hurting myself to not let it go. And I did it. I struggled with this decision, executed it and left work early to get it out of my system. I cried and walked and played a bit and just let myself feel it.

I woke this morning raw. Like I have fought the battle of life and was rewarded by my love. You know that feeling just after making love?

..when all your breathing feels gracious?

When you feel you have mapped out somewhere no one else has been. You can feel it in your chest, your toes tingle and your skin is raw.

Was that your lavender breath in my hair?

Here is a little something else. My favourite poem. I wanted to share it again.

breathless . . .

What is the point of having a heart if you aren't going to allow it to race once in awhile? =)

i think this is beautiful

"Suddenly I See"

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

on kindness

The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates.

After the first gate, we ask ourselves,
"Are these words true?"

If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go.

At the second gate, we ask,
"Are they necessary?

At the last gate, we ask,
"Are they kind?"

on love

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love ...
... listens but doesn't believe...
... and leaves before she is left ...

Marylin Monroe

to my heart, my love, my baby girl

"Take my hand and see through my eyes all that is beautiful in life."

quote =)

Well behaved women rarely make history.

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


So there. Just go for it.

Some Words of Wisdom

These were in a Christmas Card my boss received:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Words. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid speaking against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Two posts today - I thought I would share my favourite poem

This poem has lived on every fridge in every home I have had for many, many years. It is a powerful poem, it struck me in many ways and everytime I read it I feel better. I thought I'd share:

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (A Native American Elder)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking the fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened up by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can betray another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not a pretty day.

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't matter who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Can you?

Adam Sandler!

Happy rainy Wednesday. I saw this quote today from Adam Sandler... love him! This is cheesy and cliche but true, true, TRUE!

"Hug them, kiss them and tell them that you love them. Don't miss the chances that life is giving you to spend with people you love. There are no rewinds."--Adam Sandler

A great quote from a great new friend

My new friend Agnes said something to me over brunch a few weeks ago. It popped into my mind again today. The quote is actually something her father said to her. It stuck with me.

"When someone shows you who they are - believe them."

Take it anyway you want. I know the meaning has changed for me a few times.

Bye!

Meeting new friends.

An astute comment from a new friend about meeting new friends:

"There is the whole f**cked-up-ness theory we have to be aware of: If the
other person is more f**cked up then you then you are just wierded out; if
on the other hand you are more f**cked up then the other person - you end up
feeling like a total wanker."

I figure you are what you are what you are what you are... so there! And as my mom would say ... "What's NORMAL anyways??????" !!

Nothing Exciting - Just a Quote...

Nothing exciting happened to me today so I thought I'd share my favourite quote. ... Mind you, its only 4:30 on a FRIDAY afternoon so who knows what can happen??? =)

Anyways, here is the quote:

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh and also, my mom has been reading this lately - so HI MOM!