hermit

I am still living the life of a hermit. That is just the way it is right now. My friends have been trying to contact me but I am still feeling like I want to be alone. I have a lot of thinking to do. I dont know why letting everyone back in is so hard right now. I hope it changes soon. Because of this I have not gone far but this weekend was my baby sister's 30th birthday and my mom had a party for her. There were a few old family friends that I do not get to see often so Chico drove me out there to give my sister a gift and to visit for a couple of hours. It was nice to be around familiar people who have loved us for a lifetime. People with their own stories that I can just sit and listen to. Other than that, I haven't gone far. Been on the couch watching the last of the Rome disks. Its done. What series is next? Any ideas blogging friends?

Unfortunately with being at home I do not have anything interesting to blog about, but I do have something to share with you - My daughter Megan recently did a modelling shoot for a hairdressing salon. Here is one of the photos. She is to the right of her (boy)friend Jordan.

I think they are beautiful.

the love of my life ...

Being Megan's mama has been the single most important event in my life. Being a single parent has been the single hardest struggle in my life. Worth every moment of uncertainty. But nonetheless, a struggle.

Being Megan's mama has brought me the most happiness, fulfillment, pain and heartache than any other single event in my life.

I dont expect another event or person to touch my life like my daughter has.

I dont expect to ever love another human being as I love her.

Because I had her so young she was the beginning of the story of my journey into adulthood.

Having her started shaping the human being I am today. I have never been an adult without her. I have grown up with her.

I have made so many mistakes. Too numerous to count or apologize for. I continue to make them. This has been a 17 year learning process. No one makes me feel more human than Megan does.

I was only nineteen when she was born. Only a year and a bit older than she is now. I was a baby. I loved her from the first second I knew I was pregnant.

My first ultrasound was on Valentines day. I cried. I was scared. I wanted her so badly.

Her name was to be Christina. Christina Marie. She ended up as Megan Marie. When I was pregnant with her I watched a show called Nightingales. The main character in the show had a daughter named Megan.
When she was born she had these big blue, almost purple eyes. She smiled a lot. She was a happy baby. I would put her in her snugly and carry her close to my chest all day long. She would tilt her head back and smile up at me. I loved her breath. That beautiful baby breath. Those gums, eyes, skin and baby hair. I was and am so in love.

I wasn't prepared for the journey. I wasn't prepared to have my heart live outside of my body. But truthfully that is where it resides. With her. Every step she takes, she takes me with her. When she is happy, I am happy, when she feels pain, I am in pain. When she is mad, I understand and am angry right along with her. When she is in love, I remember being a teenager in love. My life goal is to shield and protect her from a harsh life. To remind her to be kind to herself and others. To live. Please live. Really really live. Dont wait. Dont struggle to much, it wont mean anything down the road. So please listen to mama, just live. Ok?







Isn't she absolutely beautiful???

to my heart, my love, my baby girl

"Take my hand and see through my eyes all that is beautiful in life."

mommyland

Here we are. In all our blessed phone camera glory. Megan is such a beauty. I am loving the purple hair. I want to hold her down, roll her up in bubble wrap and save her from this big bad world.



My pic? Well, honestly, that is my geeky version of sexy. Nice try eh?

Second try: Even worse. But I am here to entertain so here you go: =))




Meg and I had breakfast at Berts on Main. Yum.

I am now sitting at Lugz enjoying a chocolatey treat doing a little writing and updating nerdgirlsspace (obviously). My beauty is headed off to the burbs to do the things that teenagers do on a Saturday night. I have some solid plans for the evening that I am looking forward to("MHM"), my tummy is full of french toast, I am getting a new stainless steel fridge tomorrow and this city is gorgeous today, even in the rain.

but what i really need

is for you to please hold my hand.

I dont have to say it all out loud to you, you know I am frightened to death of doing it all wrong. I can sit and smile and be pretty and strong and you will just know that underneath it all I am a little scared ...

come hold my hand.

i raised a kid who knows how to give a compliment!

It sure is nice to have Meg under my roof. And as if just having her there wasn't enough ...

as I am getting read for work this morning Meg rolls over on her bed and says:

"Mom, you are a 37 year old with the body of a 20 year old."

It would really be hard to wipe this smile off of my face today. Thanks honey.

Two Posts Today - couldn't resist this one...

Ok, a little preface to this. I have a seventeen year old daughter, see pic below... Her father and I have been split up since she was a baby. I raised her on my own and he came back into her life during the terrible teen stage to make an already hairy scary time that much more pleasing ... but anyways... I have had to bite my tongue on many occasions over the years... dont want to say too much about him or what he is like to her. I wanted her to form her own opinion and relationship with him. Needless to say, it has been really TOUGH sometimes, but I've been pretty good... and then I get this text this morning from my baby girl:

"How did you not beat the crap out of my dad when you were with him? I'm getting pretty close to wanting to".

Hm, what do you think? I think she's figured him out! Poor kid. Will keep you posted. =)

Yup somebody lost an eye!

On a happier note... take a peek at this picture of one of my loveliest friends Trisha (yes she's single!) and her gorgeous, funny, smartass daughter Hailee (my second favourite kid in the world).



And here on the left is my beautiful baby girl Megan. One of the most intelligent, beautiful, amazing creatures I know. Life, energy, resilience, kindness, strength and a drive that matches no other I've ever met. Am proud to be her mama.