Tuesday, September 11, 2007

please just be quiet ...

First of all. Thank you Mom, Keith (my stepfather) and Chico. I know truly that I am loved.

Second. It is the anniversary of September 11. This reminds me that there are people in this world going through horrible, devastating events in their lives. I feel for them. I remember that day vividly. I am so very sorry for those families touched by this unbelievable event.


If you have been reading for the last month or so you know that I have been at home, off work, seeing a counsellor once a week, and working through what I can only describe as some sort of breakdown. This is hard for me to write about. But I need to write.

I am not myself. I am not the strong woman most of you know (knew?). I do not want to leave the house, I have my phone off and am not answering emails. I do not want to talk. If you are talking softly to me or around me, I am listening though.

Other than going to the doctor or the counsellor I have not left the house much. On some level I recognize that hermitting myself is probably making things worse, but I cannot seem to help myself. When I am at home alone, the thought of seeing people, having to interract, talk, socialize or be around the loudness that is our city makes me anxious.

I discussed this with my counsellor we felt that some exercise and fresh air might help. I asked Chico to take me on a hike. On September 2 we ended up at Lynn Canyon with a backpack filled with healthy food and a plan to take some pictures and sweat a little.

We get there and the parking lot is full. I am in the passenger seat wanting to beg him to turn around, I do not want to see all these people. There are mothers yelling at their children, children screeching, and the loud voices of males trying to get some attention from nearby females.

"It's ok, Kell, lets go."

We get out of the car, open the trunk, get the camera and backpack and make our way up to the up to the little suspension bridge. The people around us are so loud. I can sense Chico watching me. I recognize that he is trying to understand how hard this is for me and how much the noise is bothering me.

We make our way across the bridge and start on the trail. It is beautiful here.

... If everyone would just shhh ... why the need for loud voices? Would it really be so terrible to be silent for a few minutes and take in the beauty of our world?

We hit the trail, work up a bit of a sweat. As we head back down Chico suggests going off the trail, down below where there are no tourists. Brilliant! Here I found the silence and beauty I was looking for. We ate lunch and took pictures.

It was paradise and exactly what I was looking for. Thank you Chico.


Later in the week, after spending a few days at home alone avoiding people I asked my mom to come with me to my Dr. appt on Friday. I wanted to be alone, I did not want to see people but knew if I made a plan with my mom she would get me out and about.

By Thursday, I hit a new low, a low that I do not feel comfortable describing here. I was feeling not right. I emailed my mom and asked her to take me home with her after the Dr. appointment on Friday.

My mom did not hesitate. She came to the house Friday morning, saw me struggling to pack a bag, and listened as I spilled everything that was going on in my head to her. I had a good cry. My mom is not used to this, I have generally been self-sufficient as an adult and do not 'run' home everytime something happens to me. My mom was amazing. She listened. She was supportive and positive and non-judgmental. She helped me pack. She went to the Dr. with me and took me home with her. It was exactly what I needed. Her home is beautiful and quiet. She had a room downstairs for me to use with its own t.v., bathroom, and quiet space.

Also at my mom's is my little baby Lady:

Lady did not leave my side the entire weekend. She slept downstairs with me. She followed me everywhere. When I woke up for two hours at 3 a.m., she woke with me and put her head on my arm while I read. She would get up early, jump off the bed, run upstairs and wake up Keith to go for her morning walk. The minute she came back in the door and the leash was off, she would run back downstairs and hop back in bed with me.

I miss her now. I wish I could have my own dog where I am, I think it would do wonders for me. I think it is exactly what I need. She was just there. All the time. Silent and loving. Can you please get me my own baby to have at home?

The weekend was peaceful. My mom said my sister was worried about me and had her and my stepbrother for dinner on Friday night. While barbecuing my mom and sister and I sat on her balcony, flanked by the forest in the back, talking quietly. In the evening, Mom and I would sit in the den and watch the news. Keith would bring her a glass a wine, me a waterbottle and he would make us a snack of Breton crackers with cream cheese and red pepper jelly. We just sat together and watched the news. It was nice to be with people but to be able to just sit in silence if I wanted to.

On Sunday morning Chico came early in the morning to get me but I will try and write about that tomorrow. I also have some pictures to share.

Thank you again Mom and Keith. I am at home now and know that I will be heading back there soon.


Sizzle said...

i just started coming to your blog so i don't want to assume that i have any idea what you are going through but i can say that 4 years ago i felt so much of what you describe here. i felt like i was cracking in half and had lost perspective. i wasn't the me i thought i was and it took a lot of therapy and support from loved ones to make my way out of that dark place.

we all have our own journey and our own pace. . .i wish you peace and insight. it does get better.

Samantha Adkins said...

Glad to see you back posting. I missed ya...LOVE the picture of the pooch! Dogs help in SO many ways to HEAL you....


Always thinking of you Kel & hoping that you're taking care of yourself and happy you have great people in your life to help you do that. And little lady.

B said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I've been reading yours, and had worried that you weren't okay when you hadn't posted. It sounds like you've got some pretty amazing people in your life who love you very much. I hope that you're back to feeling like your old self very soon. Take care of yourself girl.

kittenroar5 said...

I'm glad your mother gave you the care you needed and you had a peaceful weekend. The pictures are gorgeous. Hang in there.

Unknown Me said...

Oh, hon! I am so sorry! I wish I could reach through and give you a great big hug!! Hang in there!! We all love you!

Trée said...

Quietly here for you Nerd. I'm barefoot, by the way. Makes less noise, but if you smell something a little funny, well, that's the price you pay. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hey stinki....the pics turned out great....

Caroline said...

Hang in there. I am sending you lots of hugs via the internet. Email me if you need to talk. I can understand some of what you are going through.

Anonymous said...

hey mom thanks for posting again:):) im glad you got the retreat you needed at grandmas <3 love you lots

Anonymous said...

Tears came up in reading this... I can't say I know what YOU are going through but some of what you shared, I feel I've experienced. I know it's a dark tunnel right now but I am hoping it gets brighter every, single, day.

Lady is just precious. I wish you had your own little Lady to follow you everywhere and put her head on your arm at home. Maybe you should adopt Lady for a little while... :)

Autumn Storm said...

Leaving a quiet, virtual hug.