Wednesday, February 28, 2007

non-answer to your question

I had an interesting question on my blog from Marfsbaby, a.k.a. Jasmine. When I posted my 4 a.m. blog she asked me if the hand on someone’s stomach thing was real or a nice day dream.

While I admit I frequently have x-rated daydreams – don’t snicker – you all do … I have also had my hands on some beautiful stomachs in my lifetime. I have been blessed that way. =)

For some reason I did not want to post my answer on nerdgirlsspace. And I’m not entirely sure why. I am not overly secretive - I think that ship sailed when I started this whole blog thing. I have talked about my daughter, friends, family, life, sex, dating, hurts, pains and happiness. I have talked about my numerous flaws, hopes, dreams and desires.

What I have not talked about is me having sex or my dates.

Well, I’m not a monk. I do date. I like to date. I actually find dating kind of fun. I know most of you would rather stick a fork in your eye than date, but I actually enjoy it and am thankful for every person that has crossed my path. Good or bad, they have changed me, or at the very least, taught me something.

Part of the reason I don’t write about it is because dating and/or being in a relationship hasn’t been my focus this year. I had someone special in my life for a few months last year and we split in August. Since then I have concentrated on me. I wanted to date, but my goal was to meet new people doing things that were outside of my comfortable little world. People that would challenge me and my ideas, I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to find new volunteer opportunities, spend time with my daughter, my friends and my family. And I have done all this. I have grown so much in this time and have met some amazing people.

This is not to say that if ‘the one’ fell into my lap that I wouldn’t be thanking whatever twist of fate put her there … I would definitely accept that opportunity with open arms!


Really. All of it.

I want to love and be loved. I want the butterflies in my stomach to go insane when I see her name pop up on email. I've had this and felt this and need this. I want my knees to go weak when she walks into a room. I want to feel this way even when she has let me down, I want her to feel this way even when I have let her down. And I will. Let her down I mean. I could not be more human and flawed. I am stubborn. I usually come around but she will need some patience waiting for that to happen … I want to be able to give my love unconditionally and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want what the couple at the Habitat build site had. Silent understanding. I want to sit in a quiet room reading and be happy that she is doing whatever it is she is doing. I want to feel secure enough that I push her to follow her dreams. I want to be free but not free. I want to feel like the most important creature on earth to her. I want to challenge her, I want her to challenge me. I want to want to be a better person because of her. And if this phenom falls in my lap and gives this all to me, I will give these things back ten times over. I am in no hurry to find this and not afraid of being alone. I just want it to be right.

Asking a little too much maybe? Possibly. Probably.

So blogging friends, fans and whoever else is reading this.... The minute she finds me and assures me she can put up with me for the long haul - you will be the first to know!


hrdtopickaname said...

holy toledo is that all you want?? does she have to be honest? lol

Deadmanshonda said...

Beautiful....I laugh at hardtopickaname...but applaud you for your list. ;)I hope you find her soon.

Baffling said...

reminds me of that poem, but in a much more humanly possible sense. this blog's got me messed up now!! =)